1 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,625 MAN: It has been described as one of the most vicious 2 00:00:36,625 --> 00:00:39,583 presidential races in the history of American politics. 3 00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:41,208 And one of the closest. 4 00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,959 The Republican nominee, 5 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:45,458 Senator Russell P. Kramer of Ohio, 6 00:00:45,458 --> 00:00:49,125 is practically dead even in the polls with his bitter rival, 7 00:00:49,125 --> 00:00:51,959 Democratic Governor Matt Douglas of Indiana. 8 00:00:51,959 --> 00:00:55,333 To say there is no love lost between these two candidates 9 00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:57,417 is a gross understatement. 10 00:00:57,417 --> 00:01:00,583 And yet, tonight, in spite of their almost overwhelming 11 00:01:00,583 --> 00:01:02,125 distaste for each other, 12 00:01:02,125 --> 00:01:04,792 one of these men will have to salute the other 13 00:01:04,792 --> 00:01:07,166 as the next President of the United States. 14 00:01:10,166 --> 00:01:12,792 (CHEERING, WHISTLING, MARCHING BAND PLAYING) 15 00:01:32,583 --> 00:01:34,250 Thank you! 16 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:36,041 Thank you! God bless you! 17 00:01:36,041 --> 00:01:40,792 What was once a dream is now a reality. 18 00:01:40,792 --> 00:01:42,208 WOMAN: We love you! 19 00:01:42,208 --> 00:01:43,708 You know, I've always said 20 00:01:43,708 --> 00:01:45,333 that our dreams are like our children. 21 00:01:45,333 --> 00:01:49,166 They need encouragement and support to grow. 22 00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:51,834 They must be nurtured and sheltered 23 00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:55,333 but allowed to run free. 24 00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:59,500 We are here to help your dream become real, America. 25 00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:02,166 And I'm confident that we'll be here 26 00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:05,291 for a long, long time to come! 27 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:09,667 (CHEERING) 28 00:02:14,375 --> 00:02:18,250 And so it appears the American people have spoken. 29 00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:19,667 (BOOING) 30 00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:21,917 A few minutes ago, 31 00:02:21,917 --> 00:02:24,750 I congratulated Governor Douglas on his victory. 32 00:02:27,041 --> 00:02:29,583 We fought bravely, but the time has come for us 33 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,959 to stand behind our new president 34 00:02:31,959 --> 00:02:35,250 and put aside any feelings of ill will, 35 00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:37,041 rancor, 36 00:02:37,041 --> 00:02:38,875 hostility, 37 00:02:38,875 --> 00:02:40,875 and serious doubts about this man's ability to lead a nation... 38 00:02:42,542 --> 00:02:45,000 That I hope none of us feels. 39 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:49,917 (CHEERING, WHISTLING, MARCHING BAND PLAYING) 40 00:02:49,917 --> 00:02:52,250 (FIREWORKS POPPING) 41 00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:17,250 A funny thing happened on the way to the office tonight. 42 00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:20,417 I got elected president of the United States! 43 00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:23,917 (CHEERING) 44 00:03:30,625 --> 00:03:33,500 A funny thing happened on the way to the hotel tonight. 45 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:34,792 (BOOING) 46 00:03:34,792 --> 00:03:36,542 No, the people have spoken. 47 00:03:36,542 --> 00:03:38,959 Maybe we don't agree with their decision... 48 00:03:38,959 --> 00:03:40,667 How are you? Congratulations. 49 00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,875 What a night! 50 00:03:42,875 --> 00:03:44,583 I think it's time, sir. 51 00:03:44,583 --> 00:03:47,041 Well, all right, then. How about it? 52 00:03:47,041 --> 00:03:49,500 Shall we greet the nation, Mr. Vice president elect? 53 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:52,041 I guess so. But are we sure it's official, sir? 54 00:03:52,041 --> 00:03:54,792 Ted, President Douglas just conceded. 55 00:03:54,792 --> 00:03:56,417 I'd say that's a pretty damn good sign. 56 00:03:56,417 --> 00:03:57,417 (LAUGHTER) 57 00:03:58,583 --> 00:04:00,542 Oh. Yeah. 58 00:04:00,542 --> 00:04:02,792 Let's go. Yep. 59 00:04:02,792 --> 00:04:06,792 (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 60 00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:12,959 (CROWD CHANTING) HANEY! 61 00:04:36,959 --> 00:04:40,458 I have always believed that dreams are like children. 62 00:04:40,458 --> 00:04:43,875 They need encouragement and support to grow. 63 00:04:43,875 --> 00:04:46,208 But ultimately, it is perseverance 64 00:04:46,208 --> 00:04:49,875 that will turn a dream into a reality, 65 00:04:49,875 --> 00:04:52,041 countries into world powers, 66 00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:55,166 and your own Hiroshi Ashino 67 00:04:55,166 --> 00:04:58,333 into Matsamuda's insurance underwriter of the year. 68 00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:03,375 (SINGING "YOU'RE IN THE MONEY" IN JAPANESE) 69 00:05:10,250 --> 00:05:12,875 Congrats. 70 00:05:23,208 --> 00:05:25,208 What the hell? 71 00:05:25,208 --> 00:05:26,708 (CHEERING) 72 00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:30,583 Jesus Christ. 73 00:05:30,583 --> 00:05:32,542 The damn thing just grabbed me. 74 00:05:32,542 --> 00:05:34,583 What the hell am I supposed to do, knock it down? 75 00:05:34,583 --> 00:05:37,583 You handled it very well, sir. Oh, you think so, Caldwell? 76 00:05:37,583 --> 00:05:40,417 Well, tomorrow morning there's going to be a picture of me dancing with a giant dog 77 00:05:40,417 --> 00:05:42,583 in every newspaper on this planet. 78 00:05:42,583 --> 00:05:45,208 I believe it was a panda, sir. The dark fur around the eyes. 79 00:05:45,208 --> 00:05:47,250 Why a Japanese company would choose-- 80 00:05:47,250 --> 00:05:48,375 I don't care. 81 00:05:48,375 --> 00:05:50,834 Did Jefferson dance with a bear? Did Lincoln? 82 00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:53,917 Did Reagan fox trot with a friggin' panda? I could check, sir. 83 00:05:53,917 --> 00:05:57,041 The point is I was President of the United States. 84 00:05:57,041 --> 00:05:58,792 I don't dance with animals. 85 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,583 Yes, sir. No dancing with animals, sir. 86 00:06:00,583 --> 00:06:02,500 Sir, message from the President. 87 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,625 Oh, thanks, Jim. Jim's off today, sir. I'm Bruce. 88 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,041 Oh, sorry. 89 00:06:06,041 --> 00:06:08,417 You and Jim look very much alike. 90 00:06:08,417 --> 00:06:10,250 Jim's black, sir. 91 00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:11,625 Yeah. 92 00:06:11,625 --> 00:06:12,583 I know. 93 00:06:12,583 --> 00:06:13,917 But you're both... 94 00:06:13,917 --> 00:06:16,291 Uh, tall. 95 00:06:16,291 --> 00:06:19,125 Aw, damn it, he's sending me to another funeral. 96 00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:28,959 (CHUCKLING) 97 00:06:28,959 --> 00:06:31,125 I can't believe I just did it with Matt Douglas. 98 00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:32,792 You were the leader of the free world. 99 00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:36,333 My mother has a commemorative plate with your face on it. 100 00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:38,667 Joanna, you haven't said anything about my book, 101 00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:40,417 the new draft. Better? 102 00:06:40,417 --> 00:06:42,291 Well, um... 103 00:06:42,291 --> 00:06:44,333 I'm your editor. 104 00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:46,625 Keep in mind I'm supposed to be critical. 105 00:06:46,625 --> 00:06:48,125 It, um-- It stinks, right? 106 00:06:48,125 --> 00:06:51,125 No, it doesn't stink. I would never-- 107 00:06:51,125 --> 00:06:53,458 Yeah, it is pretty stinky. I'm sorry. 108 00:06:53,458 --> 00:06:55,291 It's just you spend too much of the book 109 00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:57,583 talking about what you wanted to do and didn't do 110 00:06:57,583 --> 00:07:00,000 instead of what you did. That's because I didn't do much. 111 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,208 How's that for honesty? 112 00:07:04,041 --> 00:07:05,625 I believe that's yours. 113 00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:08,000 Look, Joanna, if the book goes, 114 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,458 if it doesn't go, I don't really care. 115 00:07:10,458 --> 00:07:12,083 I'm only writing it 'cause, frankly, 116 00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:13,333 I don't know what else to do. 117 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:17,500 I'm sure you've got plenty of options. Not really. 118 00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:21,125 But I'll tell you one thing, I'll never be like Kramer. Running around the country 119 00:07:21,125 --> 00:07:23,000 sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down. 120 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:24,917 Now, Jimmy Carter, there's a class act. 121 00:07:24,917 --> 00:07:27,375 He goes around building homes for poor people 122 00:07:27,375 --> 00:07:29,291 with his own hands. That's classy. 123 00:07:29,291 --> 00:07:30,834 Well, you could do that. 124 00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:33,458 Yeah, yeah, maybe. In a couple of years. 125 00:07:33,458 --> 00:07:35,000 But right now, my attitude is 126 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,041 they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze. 127 00:07:42,125 --> 00:07:44,750 That was a little too easy. You guys are getting soft. 128 00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:46,583 Mr. President, once again, we really wish you wouldn't do that. 129 00:07:46,583 --> 00:07:48,333 You put yourself at great risk, sir. 130 00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:50,041 Oh, yeah, right. Let me ask you something. 131 00:07:50,041 --> 00:07:52,041 In all the years ex-presidents 132 00:07:52,041 --> 00:07:54,375 have had secret-service protection, has there ever been 133 00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,750 even one assassination attempt on any of them? 134 00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:58,542 Uh, no, sir. 135 00:07:58,542 --> 00:08:00,333 I find that sad. 136 00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:01,959 The minute you're out of office, 137 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,708 they don't care enough about you to kill you anymore. 138 00:08:03,708 --> 00:08:05,708 People are fickle. 139 00:08:05,708 --> 00:08:08,375 Uh, sir, before we go in, Chet and I would really like to know 140 00:08:08,375 --> 00:08:09,500 how you got out of that bathroom stall 141 00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:10,708 without us seeing. 142 00:08:10,708 --> 00:08:12,500 Why don't you guys just relax? 143 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:16,041 Take a night off. Go rent In the Line of Fire again. 144 00:08:27,041 --> 00:08:28,750 MAN: We'll be at Air Force One shortly, President Douglas. 145 00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:30,458 DOUGLAS: I hate these funerals. 146 00:08:30,458 --> 00:08:33,083 It's just awful when another good Democrat passes on. 147 00:08:33,083 --> 00:08:35,166 I believe the deceased was a Republican, sir. 148 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:37,708 Oh. Well, then, it might not be so bad. 149 00:08:41,291 --> 00:08:44,250 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 150 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,708 Hello, baby. 151 00:08:46,708 --> 00:08:48,291 Daddy's home. 152 00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:52,208 Mr. President. 153 00:08:57,834 --> 00:08:59,750 (SIGHS) 154 00:08:59,750 --> 00:09:01,083 And there's the old seat. 155 00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:06,583 President Douglas. 156 00:09:08,667 --> 00:09:09,834 President Kramer. 157 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,667 Uh-huh. 158 00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:14,792 Well, that covers that. 159 00:09:20,208 --> 00:09:22,959 (WHISTLING TUNE) 160 00:09:25,625 --> 00:09:28,500 Russell, I just have to ask. 161 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,625 Hmm? 162 00:09:29,625 --> 00:09:30,917 When you dance with a panda... 163 00:09:31,959 --> 00:09:33,500 Who leads? 164 00:09:34,625 --> 00:09:35,667 (GROANS) 165 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,125 What, are you working on your book? 166 00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:47,500 Mmm-hmm. Yeah. 167 00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:50,792 I find writing very gratifying. I must. 168 00:09:50,792 --> 00:09:53,417 I've written seven books on my years at the helm. 169 00:09:53,417 --> 00:09:56,291 You've obviously got a great knack for fiction. 170 00:09:56,875 --> 00:09:59,375 (GULPS) 171 00:09:59,375 --> 00:10:01,291 And how is Mrs. Douglas? 172 00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:04,333 We're in the middle of a divorce. 173 00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:06,667 Oh, yeah. I knew that, didn't I? 174 00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:08,542 I guess life in the White House 175 00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:10,667 put too much of a strain on your marriage. 176 00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,834 No, it was being out of the White House 177 00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:15,291 that Katherine couldn't stand. Well, gee, that's funny. 178 00:10:15,291 --> 00:10:18,000 Your being out of the White House went over so well with the rest of the country. 179 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,542 Oh, yeah, you want to compare popularity polls? 180 00:10:20,542 --> 00:10:22,250 Yeah, let's talk about popularity. 181 00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:24,333 There was only one assassination attempt on me. 182 00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:25,708 You had three. 183 00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:27,542 Two! The woman in Phoenix doesn't count! 184 00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:29,041 She only had a starter pistol! 185 00:10:29,041 --> 00:10:30,667 Stop. Just stop. 186 00:10:30,667 --> 00:10:32,750 We're only together because a man has died. 187 00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:35,875 I think that we can attempt some semblance of civility, can't we? 188 00:10:35,875 --> 00:10:37,333 Well, I know I can. 189 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:41,166 (BUGLE PLAYING TAPS) 190 00:10:41,166 --> 00:10:43,708 You're a whore. Admit it. Admit you're a big whore. Go ahead. 191 00:10:43,708 --> 00:10:45,834 Name three women from the District of Columbia 192 00:10:45,834 --> 00:10:47,625 that you didn't bang when you were in office. 193 00:10:47,625 --> 00:10:49,291 What am I talking about? Name one. 194 00:10:49,291 --> 00:10:50,583 Screw you. Blow me. 195 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:52,208 (GUNSHOTS FIRE) 196 00:10:55,083 --> 00:10:57,208 KRAMER: When I appointed general Charles Sherman 197 00:10:57,208 --> 00:10:58,750 to the Joint Chiefs, 198 00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:01,875 I knew that he was a man with a dream. 199 00:11:01,875 --> 00:11:05,667 And I have always believed that dreams are like our children. 200 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,917 (SIGHS) Buy a new speech, Russell. 201 00:11:09,917 --> 00:11:11,291 That dead general's the lucky one. 202 00:11:11,291 --> 00:11:13,542 He won't ever have to hear it again. 203 00:11:13,542 --> 00:11:15,750 Grab me a towel, would you, Carl? 204 00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:17,625 You know, I don't like to be interrupted when I'm on the bike. 205 00:11:18,417 --> 00:11:19,959 What's going on? 206 00:11:19,959 --> 00:11:21,750 Mr. President, I'm afraid a situation's come up. 207 00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:25,000 The Democrats may have some damaging information 208 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,250 about Olympia. 209 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:29,875 Sir... Olympia? 210 00:11:29,875 --> 00:11:31,917 We've had that buried for years. Yes, sir. 211 00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:34,250 But I was thinking, when all this took place, 212 00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:35,875 Kramer was president. 213 00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:39,125 There's a possibility we could lay the scandal on him. 214 00:11:39,125 --> 00:11:41,625 Yeah, but he didn't know anything about that little deal. 215 00:11:41,625 --> 00:11:43,625 Could always make it appear that he did. 216 00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:45,417 A little fiddling with the records, 217 00:11:45,417 --> 00:11:47,959 some judicious rewriting of history. 218 00:11:47,959 --> 00:11:50,625 Oh, I don't know, Carl. That's tricky stuff. 219 00:11:50,625 --> 00:11:52,000 You know, you get into that kind of thing, 220 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,834 you open up a whole new bag of cats. 221 00:11:53,834 --> 00:11:56,458 My honest opinion, if this matter isn't taken care of immediately, 222 00:11:56,458 --> 00:12:00,458 no less than the presidency is at stake, sir. 223 00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:02,291 Don't worry, sir. 224 00:12:02,291 --> 00:12:03,959 I think I can promise you this is the last you'll hear about it. 225 00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:05,792 Hear about what? 226 00:12:10,291 --> 00:12:14,166 Mrs. Sherman has told me that Charlie had a favorite song. 227 00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:16,500 One that always cheered him when he was down. 228 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,583 Please, God, don't let him quote lyrics. 229 00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:20,625 And I can't think of anything more fitting 230 00:12:20,625 --> 00:12:23,959 than to share with you the words from that song now. 231 00:12:23,959 --> 00:12:25,125 Oh, Christ. 232 00:12:25,708 --> 00:12:26,917 (SIGHS) 233 00:12:26,917 --> 00:12:29,000 Muskrat Susie... 234 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,625 Muskrat Sam... 235 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,041 Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land. 236 00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:35,667 And they shimmy. 237 00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:40,000 And Sammy's so skinny. 238 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,375 Oy. 239 00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:51,208 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 240 00:13:00,625 --> 00:13:01,917 Mr. President, hello. 241 00:13:01,917 --> 00:13:03,375 Kaye! 242 00:13:03,375 --> 00:13:05,834 What a lovely surprise. 243 00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:08,667 And how is my favorite television news person? 244 00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:10,166 Oh, I'm your favorite? 245 00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:11,834 I thought Diane Sawyer was your favorite. 246 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,166 She is. How is she? 247 00:13:13,875 --> 00:13:15,000 (CHUCKLES) 248 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,417 Rumor has it a major scandal is about to blow. 249 00:13:18,375 --> 00:13:20,208 And it may involve you. 250 00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:21,917 Oh, not me, Kaye. 251 00:13:21,917 --> 00:13:24,166 My nose is clean. 252 00:13:24,166 --> 00:13:26,291 What I'm hearing is that your last year in office 253 00:13:26,291 --> 00:13:29,208 you took a very generous, let's call it a fee, 254 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:31,041 for delivering a big defense contract. 255 00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:34,041 I'm just looking for a confirmation on that. 256 00:13:34,041 --> 00:13:36,875 Are you saying that I took a k-- A kickback? 257 00:13:39,792 --> 00:13:42,250 Excuse me, Matt. You got a minute? Sure, Joe. 258 00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:45,208 Looks like Haney's involved in this Kramer kickback story, 259 00:13:45,208 --> 00:13:48,000 but there's a defense contractor who's prepared to say 260 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,708 that Kramer's the guy he paid off. 261 00:13:49,708 --> 00:13:52,083 Kramer? Then that's that. Cased closed. 262 00:13:52,083 --> 00:13:55,250 No, it's not. Our sources tell us that Haney's shifting the blame. 263 00:13:55,250 --> 00:13:58,125 Word is it was done over lunch in the Oval Office. 264 00:13:58,125 --> 00:14:00,750 Oh, really? Just you and the contractor. Very cozy. 265 00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:02,667 Who is this contractor? 266 00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,583 The contractor's Charlie Reynolds. 267 00:14:04,583 --> 00:14:07,375 Oh, you're kidding. Charlie? Charlie. 268 00:14:07,375 --> 00:14:10,083 Now, Mr. President, you know I would tell you the name of the contractor 269 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,291 if I was your favorite television news person, 270 00:14:12,291 --> 00:14:13,959 but since I'm not... 271 00:14:13,959 --> 00:14:15,583 Take care. 272 00:14:18,417 --> 00:14:19,917 Margaret, did you hear that? 273 00:14:19,917 --> 00:14:22,583 Yeah, I did. It's a crock, and we both know it. 274 00:14:22,583 --> 00:14:25,917 It's a kick in the balls. Sorry, sweetheart. 275 00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:28,959 Please, I'm a politician's wife. I have a set of my own. 276 00:14:28,959 --> 00:14:30,959 Look, I know you and Charlie were friends, 277 00:14:30,959 --> 00:14:32,291 but the poor bastard's in over his head. 278 00:14:32,291 --> 00:14:35,417 Now, you're going to Washington for that book convention, right? 279 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,458 I think it would be a great time for you to stop 280 00:14:37,458 --> 00:14:38,959 and see your old friend and talk to him. 281 00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:40,667 Yeah, well, I'd like to help you, Joe, 282 00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:42,458 but I'm not getting involved. 283 00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:44,458 Matt, if you do this for us, 284 00:14:44,458 --> 00:14:46,291 the party'd be extremely grateful. 285 00:14:46,291 --> 00:14:49,333 We both know you want another crack at that Oval Office. 286 00:14:49,333 --> 00:14:51,959 Hold on. I told you I was thinking about running again. 287 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,291 Just thinking. 288 00:14:53,291 --> 00:14:56,208 Besides, the party wouldn't back me again. They wouldn't. 289 00:14:56,208 --> 00:14:57,959 Would they? 290 00:14:57,959 --> 00:15:00,208 Of course they would. I'm the Democratic chairman. 291 00:15:00,208 --> 00:15:01,750 We need your help. 292 00:15:01,750 --> 00:15:04,458 And if you're seriously considering running again, 293 00:15:04,458 --> 00:15:06,375 you're gonna need ours. 294 00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:08,166 When was this supposed to have taken place? 295 00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:10,083 It was seven years ago. 296 00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:12,500 I don't understand it. I mean, why me and why now? 297 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:14,625 Who stands to benefit from framing me? 298 00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:15,625 MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, 299 00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:17,333 the President of the United States. 300 00:15:34,875 --> 00:15:37,166 I've been thinking about your offer, Joe. 301 00:15:37,166 --> 00:15:39,708 Not that I'd ever run again, but do you really think 302 00:15:39,708 --> 00:15:43,000 the party would back me if I helped out? 303 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,792 (CHUCKLES) It's already been discussed, Mr. President. 304 00:15:46,792 --> 00:15:48,000 Really? 305 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:52,166 Now that I think of it, there is an extra bonus to this. 306 00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:57,583 Maybe to get the son of a bitch I hate 307 00:15:57,583 --> 00:16:00,375 and the son of a bitch I really hate... 308 00:16:03,917 --> 00:16:04,708 I'll do it. 309 00:16:10,083 --> 00:16:12,750 Just get me the name of that contractor. 310 00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:14,500 You got to dig that up for me, Caldwell. 311 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:17,291 I'll get right on it, sir. 312 00:16:17,291 --> 00:16:20,875 Sir, we agreed the zipper would be in the up position. 313 00:16:20,875 --> 00:16:22,875 It's part of the deal, sir. 314 00:16:24,708 --> 00:16:25,792 I wonder what they'd pay me 315 00:16:25,792 --> 00:16:28,250 if I tattooed their damn logo across my ass. 316 00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:29,708 I could ask. 317 00:16:29,708 --> 00:16:30,750 Just drive the cart! Yes. 318 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,125 Yes! 319 00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:47,458 You know, I've actually thought about playing professionally. 320 00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:49,917 Ah, well, gee, I don't know about that, Bill. 321 00:16:49,917 --> 00:16:51,417 I think that the ladies tour 322 00:16:51,417 --> 00:16:52,917 likes their players to be a little more masculine. 323 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,458 Ah! 324 00:17:10,417 --> 00:17:11,542 (GIGGLES) 325 00:17:11,542 --> 00:17:12,917 Hold this, Russ. 326 00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:19,708 (CROWD GASPING) 327 00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:22,208 Thank you, Russ. That's for you. 328 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,291 You son of a... 329 00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:40,583 MAN: Ohh! 330 00:17:42,959 --> 00:17:45,166 I'm so sorry, and I'm so embarrassed, 331 00:17:45,166 --> 00:17:48,667 and I hope that this doesn't scare you away from golf 332 00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:50,875 because it's such a great sport. 333 00:17:50,875 --> 00:17:53,542 I know your people, the black people, 334 00:17:53,542 --> 00:17:55,166 don't really enjoy the game. 335 00:17:55,166 --> 00:17:57,625 But I think that's because you can't get into the nice clubs. 336 00:17:57,625 --> 00:17:59,458 The restricted ones. 337 00:17:59,458 --> 00:18:02,000 And on the other hand, your people are so good at so many sports 338 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,750 that maybe it's good that we white folk 339 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,208 have a sport you guys are not so good at. 340 00:18:06,208 --> 00:18:08,542 Mr. Vice President, this way. Is there a problem? 341 00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:11,500 There'll be less of one if you step this way. Okay. So long. 342 00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,000 Oh, man, I'm getting a cramp. 343 00:18:17,417 --> 00:18:19,333 Interesting game we got here. 344 00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:21,417 You're playing pretty tough, Bill. 345 00:18:21,417 --> 00:18:23,166 Tough enough to win, I hope. 346 00:18:23,166 --> 00:18:25,000 Yeah. Maybe. 347 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,500 But you never know when you're gonna get stuck with a bad lie. 348 00:18:31,208 --> 00:18:33,625 (CROWD GASPS) 349 00:18:33,625 --> 00:18:37,375 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 350 00:18:37,375 --> 00:18:40,917 Watch out. Here comes Douglas fighting back from behind. 351 00:18:40,917 --> 00:18:43,542 Too little too late. You're never gonna catch us. 352 00:18:43,542 --> 00:18:45,792 No, but I'm pretty sure I'll catch one of you. 353 00:18:51,375 --> 00:18:52,333 KRAMER: Yes. 354 00:18:52,333 --> 00:18:54,208 Yes. 355 00:18:54,208 --> 00:18:57,250 Yes, excellent work, Caldwell. I'll be in touch. Bye-bye. 356 00:18:57,250 --> 00:18:59,500 So what did he find? It's Charlie Reynolds. 357 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:02,750 He's the friggin' contractor who says I took that kickback. 358 00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,375 Don't say "frigging," Russ. 359 00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:06,375 If you have to use the "f" word, go for the gold. 360 00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:07,875 Now why would he say such a thing? 361 00:19:07,875 --> 00:19:09,875 I think he's covering for Haney. 362 00:19:09,875 --> 00:19:12,375 It's Haney's mess, but now he's shifting the stink to me. 363 00:19:12,375 --> 00:19:14,542 I didn't think he was that smart. 364 00:19:14,542 --> 00:19:16,500 He learned from the master. 365 00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:18,458 I met Reynolds once. 366 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,500 Haney brought him in to the office for lunch, but nothing much happened. 367 00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,333 As I remember, 368 00:19:22,333 --> 00:19:24,750 we sat around talking about golf most of the time. 369 00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:27,458 Now Reynolds is getting ready to release an affidavit 370 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,750 saying that at that meeting he was alone with me. 371 00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:33,208 Don't do that with the liquor, Russ. 372 00:19:33,208 --> 00:19:34,792 It's so George Bush. 373 00:19:38,208 --> 00:19:40,708 Hey, wait a minute. Yeah, wait a minute. 374 00:19:40,708 --> 00:19:43,291 If the meeting took place in the Oval Office, 375 00:19:43,291 --> 00:19:46,625 then there has to be a record of it in the appointment log 376 00:19:46,625 --> 00:19:48,083 naming everybody present. 377 00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:49,542 Well, this is easy. 378 00:19:49,542 --> 00:19:51,542 I send Caldwell down to the national archives 379 00:19:51,542 --> 00:19:54,792 and get some hard evidence that I can shove right in Reynolds' face. 380 00:19:54,792 --> 00:19:56,417 Well done, dear. 381 00:19:56,417 --> 00:19:58,750 Now, before we check out, do you want me to steal 382 00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:00,708 all the little shampoos and conditioners? 383 00:20:00,708 --> 00:20:04,417 Oh, God, Margaret. Come on, now, please. 384 00:20:04,417 --> 00:20:05,917 I already got them. 385 00:20:15,792 --> 00:20:17,458 What do you mean it's not there? 386 00:20:17,458 --> 00:20:20,208 Sir, I have the appointment log right in front of me. 387 00:20:20,208 --> 00:20:23,125 I see your name, Charles Reynolds' name, 388 00:20:23,125 --> 00:20:27,291 and at the bottom, the word "Olympia" circled in red. 389 00:20:27,291 --> 00:20:28,625 Sir? 390 00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:29,625 Sir? 391 00:20:34,959 --> 00:20:36,083 KRAMER: Don't be a moron, Charlie! 392 00:20:36,083 --> 00:20:38,208 You're saying you offered me a kickback 393 00:20:38,208 --> 00:20:39,291 right there in the Oval Office, 394 00:20:39,291 --> 00:20:42,166 and I took it? That's how I remember it, sir. 395 00:20:42,166 --> 00:20:45,291 As I recall, just the two of us were there. 396 00:20:45,291 --> 00:20:47,417 And you were very pleased about the deal. 397 00:20:47,417 --> 00:20:50,166 Wait a minute. Just the two of us? Are you sure about that? 398 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,375 Mr president, I don't believe we have anything further to discuss. 399 00:20:52,375 --> 00:20:54,667 Oh, yes. We have lots to discuss, Chuckie. 400 00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:57,041 How's this for openers, you and your buddies 401 00:20:57,041 --> 00:21:00,500 tampering with official documents in the national archives? 402 00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:03,583 That's gonna be kind of hard to explain when you get subpoenaed, isn't it? 403 00:21:03,583 --> 00:21:05,041 I'm sorry, sir. 404 00:21:05,041 --> 00:21:07,458 I have no idea what you're talking about. 405 00:21:07,458 --> 00:21:11,500 I'm going to have to stand by my original statement. 406 00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:13,291 Well, you're gonna stand alone, buster. 407 00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,333 Let's go, Bruce. It's Jim, sir. 408 00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:24,625 Yeah, yeah. You're black, you're tall. 409 00:21:24,625 --> 00:21:26,041 Whoop-dee-friggin'-doo. Let's go. 410 00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:36,000 Mr. Reynolds, the president is here. 411 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,625 He just left. 412 00:21:37,625 --> 00:21:38,875 No, another one. 413 00:21:39,625 --> 00:21:41,417 Charlie, old buddy. 414 00:21:41,417 --> 00:21:42,750 Matt? 415 00:21:42,750 --> 00:21:43,959 What do you say we take a walk, 416 00:21:43,959 --> 00:21:45,375 talk about old times. 417 00:21:46,959 --> 00:21:48,041 (THUNDER RUMBLES) 418 00:21:49,041 --> 00:21:50,750 I assure you, Matt, 419 00:21:50,750 --> 00:21:52,875 the arrangement was made with President Kramer 420 00:21:52,875 --> 00:21:54,542 and President Kramer alone. 421 00:21:54,542 --> 00:21:56,750 Charlie, we're friends. I want to believe you. 422 00:21:56,750 --> 00:21:59,208 But there are people who say it wasn't that way. 423 00:21:59,208 --> 00:22:02,250 Now, this is turning into a huge political bomb. 424 00:22:02,250 --> 00:22:04,875 Not that I mind, 'cause when it blows, 425 00:22:04,875 --> 00:22:06,500 my party's going to begin. 426 00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:11,083 Look, Haney, Kramer, one of them is going down. 427 00:22:11,083 --> 00:22:14,667 Now, the Democrats can offer you immunity if you give us a name. 428 00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:17,125 Now, come on, Charlie, who took the kickback? 429 00:22:17,125 --> 00:22:18,583 Now, please, tell me it's Kramer. 430 00:22:18,583 --> 00:22:20,625 If it is, I'll give you a big kiss on the lips. 431 00:22:20,625 --> 00:22:21,542 Tongue, no tongue, your choice. 432 00:22:25,417 --> 00:22:29,083 REYNOLDS: Carl, I'm in a very tough spot here. 433 00:22:29,083 --> 00:22:31,542 I know, Charlie, but there's nothing to worry about. 434 00:22:31,542 --> 00:22:32,875 Just hang tight. 435 00:22:32,875 --> 00:22:35,000 They came to my office yesterday, Carl. 436 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,959 They came to my place of business. 437 00:22:36,959 --> 00:22:39,917 Now, look, I know we have a deal, 438 00:22:39,917 --> 00:22:41,917 but if I knew this was going to be happening, 439 00:22:41,917 --> 00:22:43,083 I wouldn't have signed on. 440 00:22:43,083 --> 00:22:44,875 Just be calm and know that you have 441 00:22:44,875 --> 00:22:47,083 the full power of the White House behind you. 442 00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:48,625 Okay? I'll be in touch. 443 00:22:48,625 --> 00:22:49,917 (TELEPHONE CLICKS) 444 00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:52,458 Reynolds sounds shaky. 445 00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:57,333 I better get over there and give our friend a little moral support. 446 00:22:59,291 --> 00:23:01,500 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 447 00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:05,125 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 448 00:23:07,708 --> 00:23:10,208 Okay, folks. Please step back. Form a line. 449 00:23:10,208 --> 00:23:12,750 Thank you. Everyone will get an autograph. 450 00:23:12,750 --> 00:23:15,375 A cookbook. He wrote a cookbook! How dare he? 451 00:23:15,375 --> 00:23:16,792 Well, you know, when he was president, 452 00:23:16,792 --> 00:23:18,417 he did cook for his guests all the time. That's not the point. 453 00:23:18,417 --> 00:23:21,667 Did George Washington write a book called Your Wooden Teeth and You? 454 00:23:21,667 --> 00:23:24,500 Did William Howard Taft write 30 Days to a Slimmer Ass? 455 00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:26,083 It's shameful, just shameful! 456 00:23:26,083 --> 00:23:27,291 Mr. President! 457 00:23:27,291 --> 00:23:29,417 Oh, yeah. It's okay, Chet. 458 00:23:31,250 --> 00:23:33,291 Sir, Mr. Reynolds would appreciate 459 00:23:33,291 --> 00:23:34,291 you signing this for his daughter. 460 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,125 Charlie? 461 00:23:36,125 --> 00:23:37,125 Yes, sir. 462 00:23:44,667 --> 00:23:46,000 Be glad to. 463 00:23:47,625 --> 00:23:49,041 There you go. 464 00:23:49,041 --> 00:23:50,333 This will make him very happy. 465 00:23:54,208 --> 00:23:58,208 President Douglas, here's that turkey and Swiss you ordered. 466 00:23:58,208 --> 00:24:00,166 Uh, just one moment. 467 00:24:02,417 --> 00:24:04,250 Uh, Chet. 468 00:24:04,250 --> 00:24:05,708 Chet, could you... 469 00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:09,166 I didn't order a sandwich. 470 00:24:10,208 --> 00:24:11,625 Yes, sir. 471 00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:12,834 Sandwich boy. 472 00:24:12,834 --> 00:24:14,375 Come with us, sir. 473 00:24:14,375 --> 00:24:15,917 Drop the bag, please. 474 00:24:15,917 --> 00:24:17,708 Hands behind your back. What did I do? 475 00:24:17,708 --> 00:24:19,208 Do not move. He said turkey and swiss! 476 00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:20,917 MAN: What's in the bag, son? A sandwich! 477 00:24:20,917 --> 00:24:22,500 (CROWD MURMURING) 478 00:24:51,208 --> 00:24:53,875 (HORN BLARES) 479 00:25:04,208 --> 00:25:05,750 You made the right choice, Charlie. 480 00:25:05,750 --> 00:25:07,417 I hope so, Matt. Get in. 481 00:25:08,291 --> 00:25:09,583 President Douglas! 482 00:25:14,041 --> 00:25:16,291 It's my duty to officially serve you with this subpoena. 483 00:25:16,291 --> 00:25:18,125 Oh, God! Did you have to do that? 484 00:25:19,583 --> 00:25:20,750 I've always admired you, sir. 485 00:25:21,458 --> 00:25:23,083 (GROANS) 486 00:25:23,083 --> 00:25:24,125 What the hell? 487 00:25:25,208 --> 00:25:27,708 Aw, my ex-wife. 488 00:25:27,708 --> 00:25:29,417 Damn. 489 00:25:29,417 --> 00:25:31,625 Don't ever get a divorce, Charlie. 490 00:25:31,625 --> 00:25:34,417 I swear, half the time, 491 00:25:34,417 --> 00:25:37,250 I wish somebody'd just walk up and shoot me. 492 00:25:38,792 --> 00:25:40,458 Oh, my God! 493 00:25:40,458 --> 00:25:42,125 Hey, what the hell are you doing here? 494 00:25:44,458 --> 00:25:45,667 Hey, what's going on, Douglas? 495 00:25:45,667 --> 00:25:47,458 What are you-- Oh, my God. 496 00:25:47,458 --> 00:25:48,625 He's dead. 497 00:25:48,625 --> 00:25:50,792 Oh, my God! Hey, what the hell-- 498 00:25:50,792 --> 00:25:52,500 Shut up, Kramer. Don't make a scene. 499 00:25:52,500 --> 00:25:54,792 What did you do? Oh, what did I do? 500 00:25:54,792 --> 00:25:56,792 Right, you caught me. We got into a huge argument 501 00:25:56,792 --> 00:25:58,375 about your cookbook, so I plugged him. 502 00:25:58,375 --> 00:26:01,291 You got a problem with my cookbook? Kramer! 503 00:26:01,291 --> 00:26:04,166 We are two ex-presidents of the United States inches away from a dead man. 504 00:26:04,166 --> 00:26:05,708 This is not a good place for us to be. 505 00:26:05,708 --> 00:26:07,291 What were you doing with Reynolds? 506 00:26:07,291 --> 00:26:08,542 You know about Olympia, don't you? 507 00:26:08,542 --> 00:26:09,792 I know about the kickback you took. 508 00:26:09,792 --> 00:26:11,375 I didn't take any damn kickback. 509 00:26:11,375 --> 00:26:13,291 And what business is it of yours, anyway? 510 00:26:13,291 --> 00:26:14,792 Let's not discuss it here. Where can we go and talk? 511 00:26:14,792 --> 00:26:17,000 I know. Follow me. 512 00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,625 (DOG BARKING) 513 00:26:31,667 --> 00:26:33,500 Douglas, for the last time, 514 00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:35,208 I'm telling you everything I know, 515 00:26:35,208 --> 00:26:38,792 and I don't have the slightest clue what the hell Olympia is. 516 00:26:38,792 --> 00:26:40,834 Excuse me, Dad, did you guys want something to drink? 517 00:26:40,834 --> 00:26:42,667 Fruit juice for me, honey. 518 00:26:42,667 --> 00:26:45,583 I'd kill for a vodka tonic. I'm sure we can swing that. 519 00:26:45,583 --> 00:26:48,291 I never touch alcohol. Dulls the senses. 520 00:26:48,291 --> 00:26:49,375 You're so full of shit. 521 00:26:51,875 --> 00:26:53,333 Hi, there. 522 00:26:53,333 --> 00:26:54,333 We're talking big-people talk. 523 00:26:54,333 --> 00:26:56,041 You didn't hear that, did you? 524 00:26:56,041 --> 00:26:58,542 Here, here. Money. That's for you. 525 00:26:58,542 --> 00:26:59,834 Thanks. 526 00:26:59,834 --> 00:27:01,667 Please don't do that! Why not? 527 00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:03,458 I'm just showing your grandson how you got elected. 528 00:27:04,875 --> 00:27:06,417 Grandpa, play with me. 529 00:27:06,417 --> 00:27:09,250 I can't right now, Davey, but here. 530 00:27:09,250 --> 00:27:11,083 See, you take this and run along. Grandpa. 531 00:27:11,083 --> 00:27:12,583 Okay. 532 00:27:12,583 --> 00:27:15,041 Give me the gun. Now, you go hide. 533 00:27:15,041 --> 00:27:18,083 I'll count down from 100 and then come find you, okay? 534 00:27:18,083 --> 00:27:19,041 Okay! Skedaddle. 535 00:27:19,041 --> 00:27:20,291 100! 536 00:27:20,291 --> 00:27:22,208 99! 537 00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:24,250 Nine... Okay, where were we? 538 00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:28,959 DOUGLAS: Well, I don't think you had anything to do 539 00:27:28,959 --> 00:27:30,041 with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure 540 00:27:30,041 --> 00:27:31,250 you're involved in this mess somehow. 541 00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:34,000 KRAMER: I'm involved? Well, what about you? 542 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,041 You were the one sitting in the car next to a dead man. 543 00:27:36,041 --> 00:27:38,375 Well, now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men. 544 00:27:38,375 --> 00:27:40,041 You don't believe me? Go ahead and die. 545 00:27:40,041 --> 00:27:42,083 It will perk me right up. You... 546 00:27:42,083 --> 00:27:44,583 Daddy, there's someone here to see you. Huh? 547 00:27:46,333 --> 00:27:49,500 Good afternoon, sirs. Colonel Paul Tanner, N.S.A. 548 00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:52,291 President Haney needs to meet with the both of you as quickly as possible. 549 00:27:52,291 --> 00:27:54,500 We have transportation to Camp David on the way. 550 00:27:54,500 --> 00:27:57,375 Yeah, but, Colonel, how did you find us here? 551 00:27:57,375 --> 00:28:00,291 We know where you are at all times, sir. 552 00:28:00,291 --> 00:28:01,750 That's our business. 553 00:28:37,166 --> 00:28:39,250 Major, is there a problem? 554 00:28:39,250 --> 00:28:41,917 I don't remember the flight to Camp David taking this long. 555 00:28:41,917 --> 00:28:44,458 Mr. President, I'm sorry. My orders didn't mention Camp David. 556 00:28:44,458 --> 00:28:47,458 We were told we were going to Camp David to meet with President Haney. 557 00:28:47,458 --> 00:28:49,959 Sir, as far as I know, President Haney's back at the White House. 558 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:53,041 Something's wrong. 559 00:28:53,041 --> 00:28:54,417 Oh, swell. Now what? 560 00:28:54,417 --> 00:28:55,917 Haney's back in Washington. 561 00:28:55,917 --> 00:28:58,333 They're taking us out to the middle of nowhere. 562 00:28:58,333 --> 00:29:01,000 Oh, that duplicitous little turd. 563 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,000 DOUGLAS: Major, I want to speak to the White House immediately. 564 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,125 I'm sorry, sir. I've been instructed to maintain radio silence. 565 00:29:06,125 --> 00:29:08,208 Then put this bird on the ground right now 566 00:29:08,208 --> 00:29:10,208 and that's an order! 567 00:29:10,208 --> 00:29:12,542 Respectfully, sir, I can't do that. My orders are classified. 568 00:29:14,166 --> 00:29:16,500 All right, major, you land this contraption 569 00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:18,667 or I'll blow your friggin' head off! 570 00:29:18,667 --> 00:29:19,834 (WATER SWISHES) 571 00:29:28,667 --> 00:29:32,500 You gentlemen said you wanted to maintain radio silence. 572 00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:34,500 Douglas! What the hell? 573 00:29:34,500 --> 00:29:37,291 You don't shoot a gun off in a confined area! 574 00:29:37,291 --> 00:29:39,375 Are you trying to deafen us all? Just get out of the chopper. 575 00:29:39,375 --> 00:29:41,500 What? Get out of the chopper! 576 00:29:41,500 --> 00:29:42,792 The crops? 577 00:29:42,792 --> 00:29:43,834 Get out! 578 00:29:52,667 --> 00:29:54,500 What do we do now? 579 00:29:54,500 --> 00:29:58,250 I don't know. It's our butts if we let them out of our sight. 580 00:29:58,250 --> 00:30:00,542 If I have to get a hearing aid after this, 581 00:30:00,542 --> 00:30:02,458 don't be surprised when I send you the bill. 582 00:30:02,458 --> 00:30:04,375 If I have to listen to you bitch, 583 00:30:04,375 --> 00:30:06,875 don't be surprised when I beat you to death with my shoe! 584 00:30:06,875 --> 00:30:09,083 Oh, yeah? Now what the hell are they doing? 585 00:30:09,083 --> 00:30:10,542 Get out of here! Get out! 586 00:30:10,542 --> 00:30:13,166 Go on! Get going! Shoo! Shoo! 587 00:30:13,166 --> 00:30:14,792 DOUGLAS: Gee, they're not leaving, Russell. 588 00:30:14,792 --> 00:30:16,542 Maybe if you make a scary face. 589 00:30:16,542 --> 00:30:18,250 Wait a minute, Einstein. 590 00:30:18,250 --> 00:30:20,875 Do you know we never had to leave the chopper? 591 00:30:20,875 --> 00:30:22,500 You've got their gun. 592 00:30:22,500 --> 00:30:24,417 We could've made them take us back to Washington. 593 00:30:24,417 --> 00:30:25,834 Now you figure that out! 594 00:30:25,834 --> 00:30:28,166 Well, as usual, the Republican comes up with a plan 595 00:30:28,166 --> 00:30:31,000 while the Democrat just aimlessly wanders in the woods. 596 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,667 Just shut up and flag them down. 597 00:30:32,667 --> 00:30:34,417 All right. Come on down. 598 00:30:34,417 --> 00:30:36,000 Bring it down. 599 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:37,417 Bring it down! 600 00:30:58,375 --> 00:30:59,542 They're down. 601 00:31:07,125 --> 00:31:09,583 (INSECTS CHIRPING, ANIMALS HOWLING) 602 00:31:15,041 --> 00:31:17,125 KRAMER: I don't believe this. It's madness! 603 00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:19,333 And you know what really gives me the red ass? 604 00:31:19,333 --> 00:31:20,417 DOUGLAS: The red ass? 605 00:31:20,417 --> 00:31:22,291 Haney's behind the whole thing. 606 00:31:22,291 --> 00:31:24,125 Well, damn it, he's not gonna get away with it. 607 00:31:24,125 --> 00:31:25,667 We'll go public. 608 00:31:25,667 --> 00:31:28,625 I'm gonna call Kaye Griffin, we'll go on TV, 609 00:31:28,625 --> 00:31:30,291 and we'll tell them about Reynolds' murder 610 00:31:30,291 --> 00:31:31,792 and the helicopter explosion. 611 00:31:31,792 --> 00:31:33,166 Are you crazy? 612 00:31:33,166 --> 00:31:35,041 We can't go public without evidence! 613 00:31:35,041 --> 00:31:36,625 We'll look like a couple of morons! 614 00:31:36,625 --> 00:31:38,708 The people will believe us! Why? 615 00:31:38,708 --> 00:31:40,000 Because we're presidents. 616 00:31:42,750 --> 00:31:44,458 Okay, they won't believe us. 617 00:31:44,458 --> 00:31:47,000 What the hell are we supposed to do now? I don't know. 618 00:31:50,625 --> 00:31:53,083 Wilkerson, call Douglas and Kramer's families, 619 00:31:53,083 --> 00:31:55,500 tell them the presidents were called away to an emergency summit. 620 00:31:55,500 --> 00:31:58,166 They will not be reachable, and we have no further information. 621 00:31:58,166 --> 00:32:00,000 Unless you find them in that wreckage, 622 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:02,750 they're still out there with about a three-hour head start. 623 00:32:02,750 --> 00:32:05,250 Put up checkpoints for 10 square miles around that crash site. 624 00:32:05,250 --> 00:32:06,834 I want this resolved tonight. 625 00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:15,208 (HOOTING) 626 00:32:15,208 --> 00:32:16,333 I'm hungry. 627 00:32:16,333 --> 00:32:18,500 Give me one of those tootsie rolls you've got. 628 00:32:18,500 --> 00:32:20,417 (GROANS) 629 00:32:20,417 --> 00:32:21,667 Wait a minute. 630 00:32:23,458 --> 00:32:25,000 There's a half. You owe me. 631 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:26,375 I owe you? 632 00:32:26,375 --> 00:32:28,000 What, a penny? 633 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:29,917 Man, you are one cheap son of a bitch. 634 00:32:29,917 --> 00:32:31,500 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 635 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,000 Yeah. 636 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,333 Yeah, I am one cheap son of a bitch, 637 00:32:38,333 --> 00:32:40,667 and that's exactly what's gonna save our backsides. 638 00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:42,875 I had the White House kitchen staff 639 00:32:42,875 --> 00:32:45,375 track every meal so I wouldn't go over budget. 640 00:32:45,375 --> 00:32:48,750 They have a complete record of everything served and to whom. 641 00:32:48,750 --> 00:32:50,291 You're even cheaper than I thought. 642 00:32:50,291 --> 00:32:51,542 Aw, stow it, sailor. 643 00:32:51,542 --> 00:32:53,208 That log is gonna prove 644 00:32:53,208 --> 00:32:55,250 that Haney was at that lunch with Reynolds, 645 00:32:55,250 --> 00:32:57,333 and it's not in the national archives. 646 00:32:57,333 --> 00:33:00,250 It's at my presidential library in Ohio. 647 00:33:00,250 --> 00:33:02,875 So I'll just call the library and have them fax the records 648 00:33:02,875 --> 00:33:04,375 to a few key people. 649 00:33:04,375 --> 00:33:06,583 No, you can't call. Somebody wants us dead. 650 00:33:06,583 --> 00:33:09,083 When they find out we're not, they're going to come looking for us. 651 00:33:09,083 --> 00:33:11,166 That means they're gonna be tapping some phones. 652 00:33:11,166 --> 00:33:13,041 Our home phones, our office phones. 653 00:33:13,041 --> 00:33:14,458 Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I don't know. 654 00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:16,875 Well, how are we gonna contact the library? 655 00:33:16,875 --> 00:33:18,917 It's a nice night to walk to Ohio. 656 00:33:18,917 --> 00:33:21,375 Walk to Ohio? We don't even know what state we're in! 657 00:33:21,375 --> 00:33:23,583 Come on, Grandpa. What'd you say? 658 00:33:23,583 --> 00:33:24,750 You heard me. 659 00:33:25,917 --> 00:33:27,875 Try to keep up with me, buster. 660 00:33:28,583 --> 00:33:29,625 (PIANO PLAYS) 661 00:33:36,083 --> 00:33:37,250 Joe Hollis. 662 00:33:38,333 --> 00:33:39,583 Thank you. 663 00:33:44,250 --> 00:33:46,375 Hello, Joe. 664 00:33:46,375 --> 00:33:51,291 Well, Kaye, what an unexpected and bloodcurdling surprise. 665 00:33:51,291 --> 00:33:54,500 You just know how to make a girl get all gooey inside, don't you? 666 00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:56,083 What have you heard about the Kramer scandal? 667 00:33:56,083 --> 00:33:57,250 Not a word. 668 00:33:57,250 --> 00:33:59,792 Now, if you'll excuse me, my salad's getting cold. 669 00:33:59,792 --> 00:34:02,500 Kramer's office cancelled all of his appointments this week. 670 00:34:02,500 --> 00:34:04,625 Seems he's disappeared. 671 00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,125 Honey, I have a tough enough time keeping track of the Democrats, let alone-- 672 00:34:07,125 --> 00:34:08,375 Douglas has dropped off the planet, too. 673 00:34:08,375 --> 00:34:11,041 What a coincidence. 674 00:34:11,041 --> 00:34:13,166 I tell you what, If I hear so much as one word, 675 00:34:13,166 --> 00:34:15,125 you'll be the very first to know, okay? 676 00:34:15,125 --> 00:34:16,792 Come on, Joe. What's going on here? 677 00:34:16,792 --> 00:34:18,959 Is it possible that Kramer and Douglas 678 00:34:18,959 --> 00:34:20,333 are in on this together? 679 00:34:20,333 --> 00:34:22,333 (CHUCKLES) 680 00:34:22,333 --> 00:34:23,625 Over their dead bodies. 681 00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:46,834 (GROANS) 682 00:34:49,417 --> 00:34:50,500 How's it going? 683 00:34:52,333 --> 00:34:53,500 (GASPS) 684 00:34:54,667 --> 00:34:55,667 Oh. 685 00:35:01,250 --> 00:35:02,333 (GASPS) 686 00:35:02,917 --> 00:35:05,291 (CHUCKLES) 687 00:35:05,291 --> 00:35:06,959 Are you them? 688 00:35:06,959 --> 00:35:08,625 I mean, are you the real guys? 689 00:35:08,625 --> 00:35:10,208 Oh, yeah. We are. 690 00:35:10,208 --> 00:35:11,125 Oh, man! 691 00:35:12,667 --> 00:35:13,834 I think you're awesome. 692 00:35:13,834 --> 00:35:15,458 No fair peaking. 693 00:35:15,458 --> 00:35:17,667 Oh, uh, sorry about that. 694 00:35:17,667 --> 00:35:19,625 I'm just kidding. 695 00:35:19,625 --> 00:35:21,458 I think you're doing a great job, too. 696 00:35:21,458 --> 00:35:22,667 Nice stance. That's important. 697 00:35:26,583 --> 00:35:27,458 It's an honor, sir. 698 00:35:30,708 --> 00:35:32,166 I can't shake right now. 699 00:35:32,166 --> 00:35:33,708 I have to keep my hands on the first penis. 700 00:35:35,291 --> 00:35:38,333 Oh, uh, uh, no problem. 701 00:35:38,333 --> 00:35:39,375 Uh... 702 00:35:40,500 --> 00:35:42,000 It's a pleasure to meet ya! 703 00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:44,875 (LAUGHING) 704 00:35:49,083 --> 00:35:50,875 Ooh, boy! 705 00:35:52,041 --> 00:35:55,000 The first penis? 706 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,083 Actually, I think that's what I'm gonna call it from now on. 707 00:35:59,250 --> 00:36:00,542 What do you think, blinky? (ZIPPER ZIPS) 708 00:36:02,166 --> 00:36:03,375 (TOILET FLUSHES) 709 00:36:07,041 --> 00:36:08,250 So what's the deal, fellas? 710 00:36:08,250 --> 00:36:10,208 Bobby didn't say nothin' about no presidents. 711 00:36:10,208 --> 00:36:11,708 Figured I was working this gig alone. 712 00:36:11,708 --> 00:36:13,375 It don't matter none. 713 00:36:13,375 --> 00:36:16,417 What's your name? Matt Douglas. 714 00:36:16,417 --> 00:36:18,083 No, sir, but I know who you're supposed to look like. 715 00:36:18,083 --> 00:36:20,250 What are your real names? 716 00:36:20,250 --> 00:36:23,208 Tom...and, uh, this is Blinky. 717 00:36:25,083 --> 00:36:27,750 Tom and Blinky. I'm Francis. 718 00:36:27,750 --> 00:36:30,375 Let's get one thing straight. No sharing tips. 719 00:36:30,375 --> 00:36:33,250 Once we get on that train, it's every man for himself until we pull into Cleveland. 720 00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:35,583 Now, let's rock and roll. 721 00:36:37,166 --> 00:36:39,708 We'll be right there. Cleveland! 722 00:36:39,708 --> 00:36:42,083 I think we're out of the woods... Blinky. 723 00:36:42,083 --> 00:36:43,458 You dirty, son of a... 724 00:36:43,458 --> 00:36:45,250 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 725 00:36:45,250 --> 00:36:49,166 (ELVIS SINGING) 726 00:36:49,166 --> 00:36:51,959 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 727 00:36:53,375 --> 00:36:54,375 Hey, everybody. 728 00:36:54,375 --> 00:36:56,500 (CHEERING) 729 00:36:56,500 --> 00:36:58,166 Thank you very much. 730 00:36:58,166 --> 00:36:59,166 Thank you. 731 00:37:00,125 --> 00:37:01,792 (BOOING) 732 00:37:04,750 --> 00:37:06,083 Oh, this is going to be fun. 733 00:37:06,959 --> 00:37:08,792 (WHISTLE BLOWING) 734 00:37:15,208 --> 00:37:17,000 It's spooky. He really looks like him. 735 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:18,500 Nah, his nose is bigger. 736 00:37:18,500 --> 00:37:19,625 WOMAN: Mister, 737 00:37:19,625 --> 00:37:22,000 have you ever met the real President Kramer? 738 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:24,834 Actually, I have. A great American. 739 00:37:24,834 --> 00:37:26,083 MAN: Give me a break! 740 00:37:26,083 --> 00:37:29,291 Our dreams are like children? They need to be nurtured. 741 00:37:29,291 --> 00:37:31,250 They need to be supported. They need to eat their vegetables. 742 00:37:32,458 --> 00:37:33,208 Prick. 743 00:37:34,667 --> 00:37:35,875 This is so weird. 744 00:37:35,875 --> 00:37:38,166 I shouldn't tell you this, but a couple of years ago, 745 00:37:38,166 --> 00:37:40,792 I had a thing with the real President Douglas 746 00:37:40,792 --> 00:37:43,834 at a fourth of July do. And we did. 747 00:37:43,834 --> 00:37:45,708 How about that. 748 00:37:45,708 --> 00:37:47,708 Stick a fork in the guy. He's done. 749 00:37:47,708 --> 00:37:49,875 He was president. He had his four years. 750 00:37:49,875 --> 00:37:51,959 We don't need another piece-of-crap book from him. 751 00:37:51,959 --> 00:37:54,041 I thought he was a good president. 752 00:37:54,041 --> 00:37:56,708 MAN: All these old guys, they want to stay in the game, but they don't have it anymore. 753 00:37:56,708 --> 00:37:58,667 Lie down, old fella, you're dead, and you don't know it! 754 00:37:58,667 --> 00:38:00,750 (LAUGHTER) 755 00:38:00,750 --> 00:38:02,375 Hey! Did you see that? 756 00:38:02,375 --> 00:38:04,375 A muscle spasm. I've been getting them lately. 757 00:38:04,375 --> 00:38:05,959 I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what-- 758 00:38:05,959 --> 00:38:07,667 They just-- There it goes again. 759 00:38:07,667 --> 00:38:10,000 It just seems to-- It's very embarrassing. 760 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:12,375 I'd better go and take my medication. 761 00:38:12,375 --> 00:38:15,125 I hope you don't mind my asking, but how was he? Any good? 762 00:38:15,125 --> 00:38:17,458 Well, to tell you the truth, it was a lot like his presidency. 763 00:38:17,458 --> 00:38:19,583 There was a lot of talk leading up to it, 764 00:38:19,583 --> 00:38:21,417 but then he didn't do much. 765 00:38:21,417 --> 00:38:22,917 (GIGGLES) 766 00:38:22,917 --> 00:38:25,333 Excuse me. 767 00:38:25,333 --> 00:38:27,708 Douglas, this thing stops in Akron, 768 00:38:27,708 --> 00:38:30,500 which isn't far from Cuyahoga Falls where my library is. 769 00:38:30,500 --> 00:38:32,542 What's it doing there? Weren't you born in Cleveland? 770 00:38:32,542 --> 00:38:34,875 Well, yeah, I was, but Cleveland wouldn't cut me a decent deal 771 00:38:34,875 --> 00:38:36,375 on the property taxes. 772 00:38:36,375 --> 00:38:38,041 I mean, moving that house was a bitch, 773 00:38:38,041 --> 00:38:41,750 but the financial benefits have been fantastic. 774 00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:43,875 (WHISTLE BLOWS, BELL RINGING) 775 00:38:50,375 --> 00:38:51,875 DOUGLAS: I don't think we're gonna make it to Akron. 776 00:38:53,875 --> 00:38:55,792 Let's start at the front of the train and move back. 777 00:38:55,792 --> 00:38:57,667 We'll do it quickly, we'll do it quietly. 778 00:38:57,667 --> 00:38:59,333 Meet us at the next station. 779 00:38:59,333 --> 00:39:01,041 That's where we'll pull them off. Let's move. 780 00:39:10,917 --> 00:39:12,250 (WHISTLE BLOWS) 781 00:39:45,959 --> 00:39:47,250 Oh, great! 782 00:39:48,750 --> 00:39:49,750 We're at the end of the line. 783 00:39:59,708 --> 00:40:01,583 (BELL RINGING) 784 00:40:01,583 --> 00:40:04,000 Oh, my God! How are we gonna do this? 785 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,291 It's simple. You just jump, tuck, and roll. 786 00:40:06,291 --> 00:40:08,166 It's all hay and grass out there. 787 00:40:08,166 --> 00:40:10,000 It's the amber waves of grain. 788 00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:11,834 I can't do that. Of course you can. 789 00:40:11,834 --> 00:40:14,500 You can do it! Come on! I can't! 790 00:40:14,500 --> 00:40:16,500 Close your eyes, count to three. We'll jump together. 791 00:40:16,500 --> 00:40:18,542 Now, come on. Close them, Russell! Close them! 792 00:40:18,542 --> 00:40:19,875 All right. 793 00:40:19,875 --> 00:40:21,834 Count one...two... 794 00:40:24,875 --> 00:40:25,875 God that felt good. 795 00:40:28,125 --> 00:40:29,041 (GULPS) One, two, three! 796 00:40:38,708 --> 00:40:40,166 (BELL RINGING) 797 00:40:43,375 --> 00:40:44,708 (GROANING) 798 00:40:52,834 --> 00:40:54,000 Jesus. 799 00:40:54,875 --> 00:40:55,875 (SIGHS) 800 00:40:56,708 --> 00:40:57,834 Douglas! 801 00:40:58,750 --> 00:40:59,875 Where are you? 802 00:41:01,208 --> 00:41:02,291 Oh, damn it. 803 00:41:02,291 --> 00:41:04,542 Douglas! 804 00:41:04,542 --> 00:41:07,041 DOUGLAS: Stop yelling, you dick. 805 00:41:07,041 --> 00:41:08,333 Okay. Where are you? 806 00:41:08,333 --> 00:41:09,375 I'm over here. 807 00:41:18,375 --> 00:41:20,166 Nice amber waves. 808 00:41:20,166 --> 00:41:23,417 I think I got a chunk of purple mountain's majesty up my ass. 809 00:41:23,417 --> 00:41:24,625 Here. 810 00:41:24,625 --> 00:41:26,917 Just don't. Just don't help me. 811 00:41:26,917 --> 00:41:29,041 The last thing I need is you helping me. 812 00:41:29,041 --> 00:41:30,458 That's fine by me. 813 00:41:30,458 --> 00:41:32,041 Let's go. 814 00:41:32,792 --> 00:41:33,917 (SNIFFS) 815 00:41:33,917 --> 00:41:35,542 Do you smell food? 816 00:41:35,542 --> 00:41:36,542 (SNIFFS) 817 00:41:36,542 --> 00:41:37,708 Ohh! 818 00:41:43,417 --> 00:41:45,250 (DOOR CHIMES) 819 00:41:50,083 --> 00:41:52,959 I'm out of money. Lend me five bucks for a burger. 820 00:41:52,959 --> 00:41:55,125 What kind of burger? Uh, one with bacon. 821 00:41:55,125 --> 00:41:56,250 That's $1.99. 822 00:41:57,625 --> 00:41:58,959 Yeah... 823 00:41:58,959 --> 00:42:02,083 You want $5 to buy a $1.99 hamburger, 824 00:42:02,083 --> 00:42:03,583 and you're wondering why the Democrats are in trouble. 825 00:42:10,708 --> 00:42:12,542 Oh, we got company. 826 00:42:17,417 --> 00:42:21,000 (DOOR CHIMES) 827 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:23,417 Do you know who those two guys are? They're presidents. 828 00:42:24,583 --> 00:42:26,000 Cool. 829 00:42:26,834 --> 00:42:28,291 Presidents of what? 830 00:42:31,625 --> 00:42:32,959 Great. Cleveland, Ohio. 831 00:42:32,959 --> 00:42:34,458 Oh, God, I hope this works. 832 00:42:34,458 --> 00:42:36,041 We don't have any other choice. 833 00:42:36,041 --> 00:42:38,834 Hi, I'm Matt Douglas. This is President Kramer. 834 00:42:38,834 --> 00:42:40,542 How do you do? 835 00:42:40,542 --> 00:42:43,000 I'm sure it's a bit overwhelming for you to meet us like this, 836 00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:44,625 but we're on a fact-finding mission 837 00:42:44,625 --> 00:42:47,166 for the interstate commerce commission. Headed for Ohio? 838 00:42:47,166 --> 00:42:48,417 Yep. 839 00:42:49,959 --> 00:42:51,625 Yeah, well, we have to ride with you 840 00:42:51,625 --> 00:42:54,291 so we can gain a personal perspective 841 00:42:54,291 --> 00:42:56,959 on the transportation capabilities of our interstate system. 842 00:42:56,959 --> 00:42:59,583 Well, nobody rides for free. Cost you 50 bucks. 843 00:42:59,583 --> 00:43:01,125 Well, we don't have any cash. 844 00:43:02,458 --> 00:43:03,625 I'll take your watch. 845 00:43:03,625 --> 00:43:07,250 Well, you must be joking. That's a constellation. 846 00:43:07,250 --> 00:43:08,667 It was given to me by Gorbachev. 847 00:43:08,667 --> 00:43:10,166 (SIGHS) 848 00:43:19,166 --> 00:43:22,000 This really steams my clams. 849 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:25,333 There are only two watches like that in the entire world. 850 00:43:25,333 --> 00:43:28,708 Reagan has one, and now Shamu the killer hick has the other. 851 00:43:28,708 --> 00:43:31,458 Will you shut up? We don't want to piss her off. 852 00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:33,667 The burrito's really great. 853 00:43:33,667 --> 00:43:36,250 Better you eatin' them than me. I'm dieting. 854 00:43:36,250 --> 00:43:38,166 Really? You don't need to. 855 00:43:38,166 --> 00:43:40,834 What's wrong with you? I'm obese. Open your damn eyes. 856 00:43:40,834 --> 00:43:42,458 I don't think you're obese. 857 00:43:42,458 --> 00:43:45,166 You must be one of those rare gals 858 00:43:45,166 --> 00:43:48,542 who look good carrying an extra one, two... Hundred pounds. 859 00:43:48,542 --> 00:43:51,208 What are you saying? I'm fat. I'm a fat pig. 860 00:43:51,208 --> 00:43:53,333 You know, that's the trouble with you boys in Washington. 861 00:43:53,333 --> 00:43:55,583 You wouldn't know the plain truth if it jumped up and bit you in the butt. 862 00:43:55,583 --> 00:43:57,417 Nice job not pissing her off. 863 00:44:00,417 --> 00:44:03,333 So, uh, what are we haulin'? 864 00:44:03,333 --> 00:44:05,458 Nothing excitin'. Farm equipment. 865 00:44:05,458 --> 00:44:07,208 Uh-huh. 866 00:44:13,250 --> 00:44:14,041 I'm gonna have to pull over. 867 00:44:17,458 --> 00:44:20,041 Now, not to worry anybody, but you might want to make a run for it. 868 00:44:20,041 --> 00:44:21,333 What the hell is-- 869 00:44:25,375 --> 00:44:27,375 Come on, come on, come on. 870 00:44:27,375 --> 00:44:28,875 MAN: Halt! Stop where you are! 871 00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:31,500 (SPEAKS SPANISH) 872 00:44:31,500 --> 00:44:33,375 This is immigration and naturalization service. 873 00:44:33,375 --> 00:44:34,750 What? 874 00:44:34,750 --> 00:44:36,542 (SPEAKS SPANISH) 875 00:44:36,542 --> 00:44:38,291 (SHOUTING) 876 00:44:40,083 --> 00:44:41,500 Farm equipment? 877 00:44:41,500 --> 00:44:44,208 I knew that damn broad was trouble! 878 00:44:44,208 --> 00:44:46,583 All I care is that chopper's not for us. 879 00:44:52,041 --> 00:44:55,250 That chopper's for us. This is I.N.S. 1-1. 880 00:44:55,250 --> 00:44:57,166 You are interfering with an official operation. 881 00:44:57,166 --> 00:44:59,917 You must vacate this area immediately. Negative I.N.S. 882 00:44:59,917 --> 00:45:02,041 We're in the middle of a highly classified N.S.A. Operation. 883 00:45:02,041 --> 00:45:03,959 You are ordered to leave the area. 884 00:45:03,959 --> 00:45:06,250 Negative. I will not abort my mission 885 00:45:06,250 --> 00:45:08,250 until I'm given proper verification of your authority. 886 00:45:10,959 --> 00:45:12,333 Verification acknowledged. Have a nice night. 887 00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:17,500 Senores! 888 00:45:17,500 --> 00:45:18,625 Huh? 889 00:45:18,625 --> 00:45:20,458 Down here! 890 00:45:30,583 --> 00:45:33,417 (SHOUTING) 891 00:45:40,083 --> 00:45:41,250 MAN: Burt, what do you have? 892 00:45:41,250 --> 00:45:42,458 MAN 2: Nothing yet, sir! 893 00:45:42,458 --> 00:45:43,917 Let's face it, Douglas. We're dead. 894 00:45:43,917 --> 00:45:45,041 (SPANISH ACCENT) No. 895 00:45:45,041 --> 00:45:47,583 They no kill you, senor. They send you back. 896 00:45:47,583 --> 00:45:49,375 You wait one month and then you try again. 897 00:45:49,375 --> 00:45:52,000 I try four times already. I love this country. 898 00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:54,542 Do me a favor, son. Put el socko in it. 899 00:45:54,542 --> 00:45:56,667 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 900 00:46:07,542 --> 00:46:09,875 Are you talking about me? No. 901 00:46:09,875 --> 00:46:10,834 Are you cold? 902 00:46:10,834 --> 00:46:12,291 Si. 903 00:46:12,291 --> 00:46:14,208 Here. Take this. 904 00:46:14,208 --> 00:46:16,333 Oh, no, no, no. Is okay. 905 00:46:16,333 --> 00:46:19,000 Take it. I could be dead in a couple of minutes. I won't need it. 906 00:46:21,041 --> 00:46:21,959 Gracias, senor. 907 00:46:28,667 --> 00:46:30,708 Now you take this. 908 00:46:30,708 --> 00:46:32,708 No, don't worry about it. No, no, no, take it. 909 00:46:32,708 --> 00:46:34,291 You give to me, now I give to you. 910 00:46:34,291 --> 00:46:37,917 This help me get to my new home. America. 911 00:46:37,917 --> 00:46:39,500 Maybe this will help you get to where you have to go. 912 00:46:41,041 --> 00:46:42,083 Thanks. 913 00:46:43,250 --> 00:46:44,542 Gracias, mi amigo. 914 00:46:45,041 --> 00:46:46,041 (THUNK) 915 00:46:48,041 --> 00:46:49,667 Hey. 916 00:46:49,667 --> 00:46:50,708 Oh, no. They're coming. They're coming. 917 00:46:52,917 --> 00:46:54,250 You're crazy! 918 00:46:54,250 --> 00:46:55,417 It is true! 919 00:46:55,417 --> 00:46:57,208 Everybody in this country has a gun! 920 00:46:57,208 --> 00:46:58,583 (SPEAKS SPANISH) 921 00:47:04,041 --> 00:47:04,834 There he goes! 922 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,875 My coat. They think he's me. 923 00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:18,250 Well, he's not, so he'll be okay. 924 00:47:18,250 --> 00:47:19,542 Let's get out of here. 925 00:47:19,542 --> 00:47:20,959 Oh, hey, by the way... 926 00:47:56,834 --> 00:47:58,291 Let's talk. 927 00:47:58,291 --> 00:48:00,500 Why? 'Cause I'm bored. 928 00:48:00,500 --> 00:48:03,083 I have nothing to say to you. Well, I have nothing to say to you. 929 00:48:03,083 --> 00:48:04,834 That doesn't mean we can't talk. 930 00:48:04,834 --> 00:48:07,625 My parents proved that conclusively. 931 00:48:07,625 --> 00:48:09,208 (SIGHS) 932 00:48:09,208 --> 00:48:11,166 What do you miss most about the office? 933 00:48:11,166 --> 00:48:14,083 I don't miss anything. I don't live in the past. 934 00:48:14,083 --> 00:48:15,625 (SIGHS) 935 00:48:15,625 --> 00:48:16,959 Rita. What about Rita? 936 00:48:16,959 --> 00:48:19,333 Oh, God, Rita. Yes, I do miss Rita. 937 00:48:19,333 --> 00:48:21,333 Greatest cook the White House ever had. 938 00:48:21,333 --> 00:48:23,125 The only cook the White House ever had. 939 00:48:23,125 --> 00:48:25,000 I think Rita started with George Washington. 940 00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:26,125 You know, when I couldn't sleep, 941 00:48:26,125 --> 00:48:28,625 I'd go downstairs, and she'd make this dessert. 942 00:48:28,625 --> 00:48:32,125 It was a cream puff with raspberry sauce-- 943 00:48:32,125 --> 00:48:34,041 Did you ever have one of her pizzas? (GASPS) 944 00:48:34,041 --> 00:48:36,125 It was like a wet dream with a crust. 945 00:48:37,708 --> 00:48:39,792 A wet dream? 946 00:48:39,792 --> 00:48:42,291 I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying 947 00:48:42,291 --> 00:48:43,583 the words "wet dream" 948 00:48:43,583 --> 00:48:45,667 I'll wake up screaming every night till I die. 949 00:48:45,667 --> 00:48:47,917 There's nothing wrong with wet dreams. Stop! 950 00:48:47,917 --> 00:48:49,500 I had a couple when I was a kid. 951 00:48:49,500 --> 00:48:51,500 Great. I'll look for that exhibit in your library. 952 00:48:51,500 --> 00:48:52,625 Just stop! 953 00:48:54,667 --> 00:48:56,500 Okay, I got one. 954 00:48:56,500 --> 00:48:58,500 When you were in the White House, 955 00:48:58,500 --> 00:49:01,542 who was the person you were most excited to meet? 956 00:49:01,542 --> 00:49:03,458 Nelson Mandela. I'm not a reporter. 957 00:49:03,458 --> 00:49:05,125 Ella Fitzgerald. Ah. 958 00:49:05,125 --> 00:49:07,667 Mandela was a great man, but he couldn't sing worth shit. 959 00:49:07,667 --> 00:49:09,291 Joe DiMaggio. 960 00:49:09,291 --> 00:49:11,667 That was a thrill. 961 00:49:16,166 --> 00:49:17,834 What? 962 00:49:19,083 --> 00:49:20,041 Eighty million. 963 00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:24,542 That's how many people voted against me 964 00:49:24,542 --> 00:49:25,750 the last time out. 965 00:49:29,041 --> 00:49:31,542 That's how many people 966 00:49:31,542 --> 00:49:36,875 didn't trust me, didn't like me, didn't... 967 00:49:38,291 --> 00:49:39,417 Who knows? 968 00:49:44,917 --> 00:49:46,834 I stayed in bed for a week and a half 969 00:49:46,834 --> 00:49:48,375 after they voted me out. 970 00:49:53,667 --> 00:49:56,583 Let's stop talking. We're about to bond. It'll make me vomit. 971 00:49:56,583 --> 00:49:58,041 Oh, why don't you go to hell? 972 00:49:58,041 --> 00:49:59,250 Now, that's better. 973 00:50:01,250 --> 00:50:02,708 What time you got? 974 00:50:04,083 --> 00:50:05,208 Screw you! 975 00:50:05,208 --> 00:50:06,875 (CHUCKLES) 976 00:50:07,625 --> 00:50:09,125 Hold it. Hold it. 977 00:50:10,250 --> 00:50:11,291 I think I hear people. 978 00:50:21,041 --> 00:50:22,959 Wayne, slow down. 979 00:50:22,959 --> 00:50:25,583 That bacon doesn't have wings. It won't fly away. 980 00:50:25,583 --> 00:50:27,375 I want to get back on the road. 981 00:50:29,375 --> 00:50:30,750 Sweet Jesus. 982 00:50:32,417 --> 00:50:34,083 Good morning! 983 00:50:34,083 --> 00:50:36,417 It's wonderful to see an American family 984 00:50:36,417 --> 00:50:39,750 out enjoying the natural splendor of our great country. 985 00:50:39,750 --> 00:50:42,375 President Kramer! KRAMER: Yes, ma'am. I'm so pleased to meet you. 986 00:50:42,375 --> 00:50:45,041 Won't you please sit down. That's all, son. 987 00:50:45,041 --> 00:50:46,250 You can put it at ease. That's it. 988 00:50:46,250 --> 00:50:48,000 I'm on a fact-finding mission 989 00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,041 from the department of the interior. 990 00:50:50,041 --> 00:50:52,166 Now tell me, do you find that the rest areas 991 00:50:52,166 --> 00:50:54,500 are conveniently located and properly maintained? 992 00:50:54,500 --> 00:50:57,458 Oh, um, yes, sir. 993 00:50:57,458 --> 00:50:59,792 Good morning. President Douglas! 994 00:50:59,792 --> 00:51:02,375 Well, it's been a delight speaking to you folks. 995 00:51:02,375 --> 00:51:05,375 And don't forget, these woods are your heritage. 996 00:51:05,375 --> 00:51:08,959 Enjoy them and protect them. They deserve our respect. 997 00:51:08,959 --> 00:51:10,959 These trees are like our children. 998 00:51:10,959 --> 00:51:12,625 Get in the damn car! 999 00:51:13,500 --> 00:51:14,750 Bye-bye. 1000 00:51:21,875 --> 00:51:24,333 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1001 00:51:26,458 --> 00:51:29,333 Oh, yeah. Hey, we're just south of Galax, Virginia. 1002 00:51:29,333 --> 00:51:31,708 In a couple of miles, we hit 77. 1003 00:51:31,708 --> 00:51:34,667 That takes us all the way directly into Ohio. We're fine. 1004 00:51:34,667 --> 00:51:36,333 Unless we run into trouble. 1005 00:51:36,333 --> 00:51:37,875 Which I predict we won't. 1006 00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:40,792 (COOING) 1007 00:51:46,166 --> 00:51:48,208 (TIRES SCREECH) 1008 00:51:53,959 --> 00:51:55,875 If you'd have told us how important the mission was, 1009 00:51:55,875 --> 00:51:58,000 we'd have loaned you the car straight-out, 1010 00:51:58,000 --> 00:52:00,583 no questions asked. Again, we apologize, 1011 00:52:00,583 --> 00:52:03,041 but, you know, those boys from the department of the interior 1012 00:52:03,041 --> 00:52:04,667 can be very secretive. 1013 00:52:04,667 --> 00:52:06,583 We're just happy that you're headed for Cleveland. 1014 00:52:06,583 --> 00:52:08,500 That's where we have to file our report. 1015 00:52:08,500 --> 00:52:10,250 Well, we're just happy to do our part. 1016 00:52:10,250 --> 00:52:12,917 Hey, another out-of-state license plate, Kevin. 1017 00:52:12,917 --> 00:52:14,708 We're hoping to spot all 50 states. 1018 00:52:14,708 --> 00:52:16,917 We're gettin' there, too. 1019 00:52:16,917 --> 00:52:19,708 Can anybody make that one out? Looks like a "U." 1020 00:52:21,542 --> 00:52:23,208 Utah! Utah! 1021 00:52:23,208 --> 00:52:26,000 No, that's a U.S. Government plate. 1022 00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:27,333 Guy looks like a cop or something. 1023 00:52:32,125 --> 00:52:33,834 Hey, good buddy! 1024 00:52:33,834 --> 00:52:36,917 God bless America! Keep on truckin'! 1025 00:52:36,917 --> 00:52:39,750 Hey, hey, now! Wave, Kevin! 1026 00:52:41,375 --> 00:52:43,542 Well, he wasn't too friendly, now, was he? 1027 00:52:43,542 --> 00:52:46,375 Mom! The presidents are squishin' me! 1028 00:52:46,375 --> 00:52:47,708 Isn't this fun? 1029 00:52:49,041 --> 00:52:50,291 (BOTH LAUGHING) 1030 00:52:52,917 --> 00:52:54,083 (BABY SCREAMING) 1031 00:52:56,291 --> 00:52:57,583 (INSECTS CHIRPING) 1032 00:53:04,291 --> 00:53:07,417 We're never getting to Ohio. Not the way this guy drives. 1033 00:53:07,417 --> 00:53:10,083 Every 500 feet they stop to take another damn picture. 1034 00:53:10,083 --> 00:53:12,250 The Donner party moved faster. 1035 00:53:12,250 --> 00:53:13,917 Aw, shut up. I'm trying to sleep. 1036 00:53:16,667 --> 00:53:20,125 Oh, my God, he's squeezing my breast again. 1037 00:53:20,125 --> 00:53:22,625 This time, pretend not to enjoy it. 1038 00:53:22,625 --> 00:53:24,375 Aw, shut your cake hole, Douglas. 1039 00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:32,834 Hi. 1040 00:53:32,834 --> 00:53:35,208 Hello. 1041 00:53:35,208 --> 00:53:38,000 You know, we'd have been fine outside in the tent, 1042 00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:39,625 but thanks for sharing the bed. 1043 00:53:39,625 --> 00:53:41,625 It means a lot. 1044 00:53:41,625 --> 00:53:43,125 Oh, sure. 1045 00:53:43,125 --> 00:53:45,208 You know, we voted for you. 1046 00:53:45,208 --> 00:53:47,625 Oh. 1047 00:53:49,166 --> 00:53:51,959 Oh, I-I'm sorry about that, sir. 1048 00:53:51,959 --> 00:53:53,375 We're Republican. 1049 00:53:53,375 --> 00:53:55,583 Well, at least you can admit it. 1050 00:53:55,583 --> 00:53:58,625 That's the first step towards recovery. 1051 00:53:58,625 --> 00:53:59,792 (KEVIN GROANING) 1052 00:53:59,792 --> 00:54:01,208 I'm hot! 1053 00:54:01,208 --> 00:54:02,959 Ahhh! 1054 00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,166 Any idea how much longer to Cleveland, Wayne? 1055 00:54:15,166 --> 00:54:19,000 I may have to call the boys in our department and tell them what time to expect us. 1056 00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:20,667 Oh, about eight to 10 hours. 1057 00:54:20,667 --> 00:54:23,166 You know, I was thinking, after we drop you off, 1058 00:54:23,166 --> 00:54:26,542 I might take the family up to the Dakotas to see Mount Rushmore. 1059 00:54:26,542 --> 00:54:29,375 That's one of America's greatest natural wonders, son. 1060 00:54:29,375 --> 00:54:32,250 DOUGLAS: Not really. It's not a natural wonder. 1061 00:54:32,250 --> 00:54:34,166 A man by the name of Gutzon Borglum carved it. 1062 00:54:35,708 --> 00:54:37,834 What? Somebody carved it? 1063 00:54:37,834 --> 00:54:40,166 Well, that ruins the whole thing. 1064 00:54:40,166 --> 00:54:43,125 Whoops! Diaper patrol, Matt! 1065 00:54:43,125 --> 00:54:45,125 Looks like we'll need those pampers again! 1066 00:54:45,125 --> 00:54:46,166 Whoo! 1067 00:54:46,166 --> 00:54:47,583 KRAMER: Oh, boy. 1068 00:54:47,583 --> 00:54:48,917 Is he healthy? 1069 00:54:48,917 --> 00:54:51,667 Dad, who's on Mount Rushmore? 1070 00:54:51,667 --> 00:54:54,458 Well, there's Abe Lincoln. He chopped down the cherry tree. 1071 00:54:54,458 --> 00:54:57,166 And then there's Franklin Theodore Roosevelt. 1072 00:54:57,166 --> 00:55:00,250 He killed him a bear when he was only three. 1073 00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:02,667 DOUGLAS: You got to be kidding, right, Wayne? 1074 00:55:02,667 --> 00:55:04,542 You got Lincoln mixed up with George Washington 1075 00:55:04,542 --> 00:55:06,500 and you've got the Roosevelt's mixed up with Davy Crockett. 1076 00:55:06,500 --> 00:55:08,750 Do you have any idea what you're talking about? 1077 00:55:08,750 --> 00:55:12,166 Uh, no disrespect, sir, but you're in my car. 1078 00:55:12,166 --> 00:55:13,333 Well, you're in my country. 1079 00:55:13,333 --> 00:55:15,750 Well, our country. Get your facts straight. 1080 00:55:15,750 --> 00:55:17,792 How do you expect your son to respect the nation's history 1081 00:55:17,792 --> 00:55:19,250 if you don't? 1082 00:55:19,250 --> 00:55:21,375 That kind of ignorance is dangerous. 1083 00:55:21,375 --> 00:55:24,208 Forget our nation's history. What about our nation right now? 1084 00:55:24,208 --> 00:55:26,041 Wayne, don't. 1085 00:55:26,041 --> 00:55:28,375 No. The country's fallin' apart. People are losin' their homes. 1086 00:55:28,375 --> 00:55:31,000 They can't find work. You talk about ignorance. 1087 00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,834 You're the ignorant ones, both of you. 1088 00:55:32,834 --> 00:55:35,875 Why, you've... You've ignored the voice of the people. 1089 00:55:35,875 --> 00:55:37,708 The voice of the people? 1090 00:55:37,708 --> 00:55:39,458 There is no such thing. 1091 00:55:39,458 --> 00:55:42,750 You got 240 million voices all yelling for something different. 1092 00:55:42,750 --> 00:55:46,083 The only thing you all seem to agree on is you don't want higher taxes. 1093 00:55:46,083 --> 00:55:47,125 The voice of the people, my fanny. 1094 00:55:49,083 --> 00:55:50,083 Pull over, Wayne. 1095 00:55:57,333 --> 00:55:59,917 Kevin, honey, run throw this in the trash for mama, okay? 1096 00:55:59,917 --> 00:56:00,917 Okay. 1097 00:56:02,458 --> 00:56:03,792 There we go. 1098 00:56:07,917 --> 00:56:08,959 Please get out of our car. 1099 00:56:11,625 --> 00:56:13,208 Listen, I'm sorry-- 1100 00:56:13,208 --> 00:56:14,458 No. 1101 00:56:16,083 --> 00:56:18,083 We invited you into our home. 1102 00:56:20,250 --> 00:56:21,291 Not our car... 1103 00:56:22,166 --> 00:56:23,000 Our home. 1104 00:56:25,792 --> 00:56:27,458 We lost our jobs 1105 00:56:27,458 --> 00:56:29,959 because of your budget cuts, President Kramer. 1106 00:56:32,750 --> 00:56:35,083 And we lost our home 1107 00:56:35,083 --> 00:56:38,917 because of your economic downturn, 1108 00:56:38,917 --> 00:56:41,000 President Douglas. 1109 00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:44,125 All we have now is the slim chance of a job 1110 00:56:44,125 --> 00:56:46,166 at my uncle's paint factory in Cleveland. 1111 00:56:47,750 --> 00:56:49,583 So I will ask you once again. 1112 00:56:50,750 --> 00:56:52,500 Please... 1113 00:56:52,500 --> 00:56:54,125 Get out of our car. 1114 00:57:06,417 --> 00:57:07,500 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 1115 00:57:11,500 --> 00:57:12,834 Hello. 1116 00:57:12,834 --> 00:57:14,333 DOUGLAS: Joe, it's me. 1117 00:57:14,333 --> 00:57:16,583 Oh, Matt. Where the hell are you and what's going on? 1118 00:57:16,583 --> 00:57:18,708 I'm with Kramer. Are you kidding me, Matt? 1119 00:57:18,708 --> 00:57:20,667 Haney had Charlie Reynolds killed, 1120 00:57:20,667 --> 00:57:22,208 now they're trying to kill us. 1121 00:57:22,208 --> 00:57:24,166 What? Haney? Well, I'm pretty sure. 1122 00:57:24,166 --> 00:57:25,834 He sent Marine One to pick us up, 1123 00:57:25,834 --> 00:57:28,166 and we got out just before it blew up. My God. 1124 00:57:28,166 --> 00:57:30,000 I didn't want to call anyone, 1125 00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:32,041 but you're the only person I can trust. 1126 00:57:32,041 --> 00:57:34,875 Listen, get in touch with your CIA contacts. 1127 00:57:34,875 --> 00:57:36,625 See if they can find out what the hell this is all about. 1128 00:57:36,625 --> 00:57:37,625 Okay, you got it. 1129 00:57:37,625 --> 00:57:39,500 Now for Christ's sake, keep out of sight. 1130 00:57:39,500 --> 00:57:41,458 It's okay. I think we're in the clear. 1131 00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:43,166 I haven't seen any N.S.A. yet today, 1132 00:57:43,166 --> 00:57:44,542 so I'm guessing we lost them. 1133 00:57:46,542 --> 00:57:47,708 (COMPUTER BEEPING) 1134 00:57:56,917 --> 00:57:58,250 They're moving north? 1135 00:57:58,917 --> 00:58:00,375 What a coincidence. 1136 00:58:00,959 --> 00:58:02,542 So are we. 1137 00:58:20,208 --> 00:58:23,917 (GROANING) Ohh, baby. 1138 00:58:26,625 --> 00:58:28,250 Excuse me. 1139 00:58:28,250 --> 00:58:29,375 How much is that piece of pie? 1140 00:58:29,375 --> 00:58:30,375 $1.50. 1141 00:58:34,250 --> 00:58:36,625 Oh, never mind, but thank you. 1142 00:58:39,583 --> 00:58:40,750 Hey. 1143 00:58:43,875 --> 00:58:45,542 Here you go. It's on the house. 1144 00:58:46,750 --> 00:58:48,417 I'm sorry. I couldn't do that. 1145 00:58:48,417 --> 00:58:50,208 I said it was on the house, old man. 1146 00:58:51,792 --> 00:58:53,375 Old man? 1147 00:59:05,917 --> 00:59:07,291 Old man. 1148 00:59:10,208 --> 00:59:12,417 Okay, let's go. What's the matter? 1149 00:59:12,417 --> 00:59:14,917 I want to get the hell out of here. 1150 00:59:14,917 --> 00:59:17,083 I'm gonna call home, tell my wife that I'm okay, 1151 00:59:17,083 --> 00:59:19,208 and I don't give a damn if the phone is tapped. 1152 00:59:19,208 --> 00:59:21,750 You do what you want, but when the N.S.A. shows up, 1153 00:59:21,750 --> 00:59:23,000 we'll know who gave us away, won't we? 1154 00:59:43,959 --> 00:59:45,041 Good morning! 1155 00:59:45,041 --> 00:59:46,792 How can I-- (GASPS) 1156 00:59:46,792 --> 00:59:48,500 Oh, my! 1157 00:59:48,500 --> 00:59:49,917 (SQUEALING) Oh, my! 1158 00:59:49,917 --> 00:59:52,583 Is this for real? Is this a joke or what? 1159 00:59:52,583 --> 00:59:55,000 No, it's really us. No. Get out of here! 1160 00:59:55,000 --> 00:59:56,166 Get out! 1161 00:59:56,166 --> 00:59:57,667 Charlene, what's wrong? 1162 00:59:57,667 --> 00:59:59,875 Oh, my God. BOTH: President Douglas. 1163 00:59:59,875 --> 01:00:01,166 And President Kramer... 1164 01:00:01,166 --> 01:00:02,708 BOTH: On our shift! 1165 01:00:04,333 --> 01:00:06,500 We'd, uh, like to rent a car. 1166 01:00:06,500 --> 01:00:08,542 Oh, we only got two cars left 1167 01:00:08,542 --> 01:00:10,667 because of that big livestock auction. 1168 01:00:10,667 --> 01:00:12,375 Would you like a Hyundai or a Lexus? 1169 01:00:12,375 --> 01:00:14,333 (BOTH LAUGH) 1170 01:00:15,458 --> 01:00:18,625 Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Oh, I'm sorry! 1171 01:00:18,625 --> 01:00:20,417 Miss airhead, at your service. 1172 01:00:20,417 --> 01:00:23,041 Okay, now, we'll need to see some identification, please. 1173 01:00:26,125 --> 01:00:28,834 (CAR ALARM BLARING) 1174 01:00:28,834 --> 01:00:32,041 (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) 1175 01:00:32,041 --> 01:00:34,041 (TURN SIGNAL CLICKING) 1176 01:00:35,375 --> 01:00:37,250 (ALARM, TURN SIGNAL SHUTS OFF) 1177 01:00:38,166 --> 01:00:41,041 (CAR ALARM BLARING) 1178 01:00:43,417 --> 01:00:45,166 Well? What? 1179 01:00:45,166 --> 01:00:48,000 I haven't driven myself since my first year in the house. 1180 01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:49,417 Give me a second. 1181 01:01:04,250 --> 01:01:05,500 It's like riding a bike. 1182 01:01:17,041 --> 01:01:20,750 (WHISTLING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF") 1183 01:01:23,291 --> 01:01:25,417 Will you stop whistling, please? 1184 01:01:25,417 --> 01:01:27,750 I'm trying to sleep over here. 1185 01:01:27,750 --> 01:01:29,750 Sleeping too much is a sign of depression. 1186 01:01:29,750 --> 01:01:31,291 Yeah, well, you keep whistling, 1187 01:01:31,291 --> 01:01:32,834 and I'll put a depression in your skull. 1188 01:01:32,834 --> 01:01:36,083 We've got damn near eight hours before we get to the library. 1189 01:01:36,083 --> 01:01:38,583 I'm trying to stay alert. I hate that song. 1190 01:01:38,583 --> 01:01:40,083 So do I. I made up words to the damn thing. 1191 01:01:40,083 --> 01:01:41,583 What? 1192 01:01:41,583 --> 01:01:43,875 I made up words to Hail to the Chief. 1193 01:01:43,875 --> 01:01:46,000 I sing them to myself every time they play it. 1194 01:01:46,000 --> 01:01:47,625 I made up words to it, too. 1195 01:01:47,625 --> 01:01:49,792 Yeah? Let me hear yours. No, you go first. 1196 01:01:49,792 --> 01:01:51,291 No, no. You do yours, then I'll sing mine. 1197 01:01:54,583 --> 01:01:56,083 ♪ Hail to the chief 1198 01:01:56,083 --> 01:01:58,125 ♪ He's the chief and he needs hailing 1199 01:01:58,125 --> 01:02:01,458 ♪ He is the chief, so everybody hail like crazy 1200 01:02:01,458 --> 01:02:02,667 ♪ Hail to... ♪ 1201 01:02:02,667 --> 01:02:04,458 That's more or less... Mmm-hmm. 1202 01:02:06,458 --> 01:02:08,458 Okay, well, let's hear your version, Gershwin. 1203 01:02:08,458 --> 01:02:09,750 No. 1204 01:02:09,750 --> 01:02:11,792 What do you mean no? I sang mine. 1205 01:02:11,792 --> 01:02:13,625 I know. You're an idiot. 1206 01:02:25,458 --> 01:02:27,458 Mr. President, CNN's set up near the park. 1207 01:02:27,458 --> 01:02:28,792 Maybe you should put this on. 1208 01:02:28,792 --> 01:02:30,792 Not so fast, Carl. Slow down. 1209 01:02:30,792 --> 01:02:33,667 I don't like people running faster than I do. It makes me look poky. 1210 01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:34,834 Sorry, sir. 1211 01:02:34,834 --> 01:02:36,834 Lakers? I thought we were solid in Los Angeles? 1212 01:02:36,834 --> 01:02:39,166 We were, sir, but then you cut back on disaster relief. 1213 01:02:39,166 --> 01:02:41,041 Too fast again. Sorry. 1214 01:02:41,041 --> 01:02:43,250 I don't want to wear this. I'm a Houston fan. 1215 01:02:43,250 --> 01:02:44,667 Ted! 1216 01:02:45,542 --> 01:02:46,500 Hey, a hat. 1217 01:02:50,542 --> 01:02:52,708 Kaye Griffin called this morning. 1218 01:02:52,708 --> 01:02:55,166 She's getting ready to report that Douglas and Kramer have dropped out of sight 1219 01:02:55,166 --> 01:02:58,041 and they're working together to expose a major cover-up. 1220 01:02:58,041 --> 01:03:00,166 I'll look into that right away. Well, you better. 1221 01:03:00,166 --> 01:03:02,000 I want those idiots found before they dig any deeper. 1222 01:03:16,542 --> 01:03:18,083 What? What are you doing? 1223 01:03:18,083 --> 01:03:20,417 I needed a cup of coffee. Oh, good. 1224 01:03:20,417 --> 01:03:22,792 Did you get me one? No. 1225 01:03:22,792 --> 01:03:25,041 You cheap bastard. I only had 50 cents. 1226 01:03:25,959 --> 01:03:27,917 Give me a sip. 1227 01:03:27,917 --> 01:03:30,500 Oh, yeah, I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington love machine. 1228 01:03:30,500 --> 01:03:32,583 No dice. 1229 01:03:32,583 --> 01:03:34,708 You could spit in a petri dish and start a whole new civilization. 1230 01:03:34,708 --> 01:03:36,708 Here, you want to lick the lid? Screw you. 1231 01:03:38,375 --> 01:03:39,500 Give me that. 1232 01:03:43,208 --> 01:03:45,375 Decaf? You pussy! 1233 01:03:45,375 --> 01:03:46,542 I gotta go find a john! 1234 01:04:05,083 --> 01:04:08,333 Sir, I'm Agent Wilkerson. We have reason to believe your life is in danger. 1235 01:04:08,333 --> 01:04:09,959 We've been ordered to transfer you out of the area. 1236 01:04:11,250 --> 01:04:12,708 ("MACARENA" PLAYING) 1237 01:04:12,708 --> 01:04:15,000 DOUGLAS: ♪ Hey, Macarena ♪ 1238 01:04:15,000 --> 01:04:16,917 Sir, if you could just step out of the vehicle. 1239 01:04:16,917 --> 01:04:19,125 We'll get you to the-- (GROANS) 1240 01:04:19,125 --> 01:04:20,917 (TIRES SCREECH) 1241 01:04:23,250 --> 01:04:24,750 (TIRES SCREECH, ENGINE TURNS OVER) 1242 01:04:25,917 --> 01:04:26,875 (HORN HONKS) Hurry up! 1243 01:04:26,875 --> 01:04:29,667 Get in! Did we get collision coverage? 1244 01:04:29,667 --> 01:04:31,083 Why? Oh, nothing. 1245 01:04:34,375 --> 01:04:35,458 Look out! Hold on! 1246 01:04:47,125 --> 01:04:49,000 (LAUGHING) 1247 01:04:49,000 --> 01:04:49,792 Ahh! 1248 01:04:51,083 --> 01:04:52,458 Ahh! 1249 01:04:52,458 --> 01:04:54,125 Ahh! 1250 01:04:54,125 --> 01:04:55,625 Ahh! 1251 01:04:55,625 --> 01:04:57,583 Ahh! 1252 01:04:57,583 --> 01:04:58,792 Jesus! Get it out! 1253 01:04:58,792 --> 01:05:00,458 I'm trying! 1254 01:05:00,458 --> 01:05:01,917 I can't see! Get it the hell out! 1255 01:05:15,959 --> 01:05:16,750 Go! 1256 01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:25,458 Ahh! 1257 01:05:29,333 --> 01:05:30,500 Nice going, Mario. 1258 01:05:30,500 --> 01:05:31,834 Shut up. 1259 01:05:35,834 --> 01:05:36,667 That way. 1260 01:05:40,041 --> 01:05:41,333 Oh, not good. 1261 01:05:45,291 --> 01:05:46,375 Let's go! Let's go! 1262 01:05:48,125 --> 01:05:49,333 (TIRES SCREECH) 1263 01:05:51,917 --> 01:05:53,041 Now what? 1264 01:05:53,041 --> 01:05:54,500 Just blend in. Just blend in. 1265 01:05:59,542 --> 01:06:01,208 Look! It's the president! 1266 01:06:02,291 --> 01:06:04,708 Hi! Hi! 1267 01:06:04,708 --> 01:06:06,417 How are you? 1268 01:06:06,417 --> 01:06:07,708 President Kramer? 1269 01:06:07,708 --> 01:06:09,458 President Douglas? How's it going? 1270 01:06:09,458 --> 01:06:11,333 This is amazing. 1271 01:06:11,333 --> 01:06:13,542 Not really. We march in these things all the time. Wow! 1272 01:06:14,542 --> 01:06:16,875 (CHEERING) 1273 01:06:16,875 --> 01:06:19,542 (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) 1274 01:06:24,750 --> 01:06:27,875 ("SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW" PLAYING) 1275 01:06:38,208 --> 01:06:40,667 Oh, my Lord and Taylor! What are you doing here? 1276 01:06:40,667 --> 01:06:42,083 Are you coming out? 1277 01:06:42,083 --> 01:06:44,542 No, no, no, no. I've always supported gay rights. 1278 01:06:44,542 --> 01:06:46,750 I'm not coming out. He is. 1279 01:06:49,291 --> 01:06:50,875 Closet case. Very sad. 1280 01:06:50,875 --> 01:06:51,750 Are you talking about me? No. 1281 01:06:55,125 --> 01:06:57,417 Don't hide who you really are. Be brave. 1282 01:06:57,417 --> 01:07:00,000 Here you go. It's a freedom-ring necklace. 1283 01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:01,542 Wear it with pride. 1284 01:07:03,750 --> 01:07:06,625 Watch out. Come here. 1285 01:07:06,625 --> 01:07:09,291 What's wrong, ladies? I don't think you can help much, Dorothy, 1286 01:07:09,291 --> 01:07:12,166 unless you and your ruby slippers can get us to Cuyahoga Falls. 1287 01:07:12,166 --> 01:07:13,959 No. 1288 01:07:13,959 --> 01:07:15,083 But I have some friends who might be able to lend a hand. 1289 01:07:45,291 --> 01:07:46,792 (BEEPING) 1290 01:07:47,458 --> 01:07:48,792 (BUZZER) 1291 01:07:48,792 --> 01:07:50,458 You know, after that bike ride 1292 01:07:50,458 --> 01:07:52,792 I think I'm changing my position on an important issue. 1293 01:07:52,792 --> 01:07:54,708 Yeah? 1294 01:07:54,708 --> 01:07:55,917 I think the military can definitely use some of those gals. 1295 01:07:57,125 --> 01:08:00,291 Now, is this impressive, or what? 1296 01:08:00,291 --> 01:08:02,458 Research room is down that way. Uh-huh. 1297 01:08:02,458 --> 01:08:04,291 Wait a minute. 1298 01:08:04,291 --> 01:08:05,792 Hmm-hmm-hmm. 1299 01:08:07,291 --> 01:08:10,291 Oh, my, oh, my. 1300 01:08:10,291 --> 01:08:11,500 Uh-huh. 1301 01:08:11,500 --> 01:08:13,000 DOUGLAS: How about this? 1302 01:08:13,000 --> 01:08:14,708 Huh? Ha ha. 1303 01:08:16,041 --> 01:08:18,667 Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. 1304 01:08:18,667 --> 01:08:21,166 Oh, you gotta be kidding. 1305 01:08:21,166 --> 01:08:23,250 KRAMER: Our dreams are like our children. 1306 01:08:23,250 --> 01:08:25,333 Huh? 1307 01:08:25,333 --> 01:08:28,667 Don't you fall into the trap. Democrats are full of crap. 1308 01:08:28,667 --> 01:08:30,708 Anything you really like, I can get it for you at cost. 1309 01:08:31,667 --> 01:08:34,291 I feel dirty. 1310 01:08:34,291 --> 01:08:35,792 DOUGLAS: Have you found it yet? 1311 01:08:35,792 --> 01:08:38,166 Working on it. Hey, there's something you never got. 1312 01:08:38,166 --> 01:08:40,375 I was Time magazine's "man of the year." 1313 01:08:40,375 --> 01:08:42,375 So was Hitler. Not twice. 1314 01:08:43,333 --> 01:08:45,625 Hey! Here it is. 1315 01:08:45,625 --> 01:08:48,792 "Chef's log, October 14th, lunch. Oval office, 1316 01:08:48,792 --> 01:08:50,959 "President Kramer and Charles Reynolds, 1317 01:08:50,959 --> 01:08:54,000 "ham and cheese omelets, $6.95 each." 1318 01:08:54,000 --> 01:08:55,333 What the-- 1319 01:08:58,542 --> 01:09:01,375 Where's Haney? He isn't here. 1320 01:09:03,834 --> 01:09:05,583 They must have fixed this book, too. 1321 01:09:05,583 --> 01:09:06,917 They knew we were coming. 1322 01:09:06,917 --> 01:09:09,583 (CREAKING) Where's your gun? 1323 01:09:09,583 --> 01:09:12,250 Oh, I have it... In my coat. 1324 01:09:14,083 --> 01:09:15,708 Get that light. 1325 01:09:34,917 --> 01:09:37,083 Hey, great job, Douglas! 1326 01:09:37,083 --> 01:09:38,875 Oh, God, it's Ben. 1327 01:09:38,875 --> 01:09:40,250 (GROANS) 1328 01:09:40,250 --> 01:09:41,959 Hurry up with the ice. 1329 01:09:41,959 --> 01:09:44,917 Excuse me. I don't know my way around "Kramer world." 1330 01:09:44,917 --> 01:09:46,875 Lucky for you, Ben, we came along when we did. 1331 01:09:46,875 --> 01:09:48,542 You were in a pretty bad way. 1332 01:09:48,542 --> 01:09:51,917 I can't say that I can recall that ever happening before. 1333 01:09:51,917 --> 01:09:55,959 A book just falling off a shelf like that. 1334 01:09:55,959 --> 01:09:58,750 Ben, is there any way someone could have broken in here 1335 01:09:58,750 --> 01:09:59,917 without you knowing? 1336 01:09:59,917 --> 01:10:01,917 No, sir. Not on my shift. 1337 01:10:01,917 --> 01:10:03,834 Oh, I just remembered... 1338 01:10:03,834 --> 01:10:06,000 A young lady gave me an envelope for you. 1339 01:10:06,000 --> 01:10:07,583 Told me to be sure you got it. 1340 01:10:07,583 --> 01:10:11,083 I think she said she was a friend from Washington. 1341 01:10:11,083 --> 01:10:13,458 Washington? What the heck is this? 1342 01:10:13,458 --> 01:10:17,166 "Dear Mr. President, my name is Kathleen Taylor. 1343 01:10:17,166 --> 01:10:20,458 "I'm Charles Reynolds' secretary. 1344 01:10:20,458 --> 01:10:23,166 "Mr. Reynolds has disappeared. 1345 01:10:23,166 --> 01:10:24,750 "I don't know who to turn to. 1346 01:10:24,750 --> 01:10:26,750 "The last people he spoke with were you, 1347 01:10:26,750 --> 01:10:29,792 "President Douglas, and Carl Witnaur." 1348 01:10:29,792 --> 01:10:31,375 DOUGLAS: Witnaur? 1349 01:10:31,375 --> 01:10:33,750 Haney's chief of staff. That son of a bitch. 1350 01:10:33,750 --> 01:10:36,625 He lives just outside of D.C. in Chevy Chase. 1351 01:10:36,625 --> 01:10:38,792 I was there a couple months ago for a dinner he threw. 1352 01:10:38,792 --> 01:10:40,583 My God did he put on a spread. 1353 01:10:40,583 --> 01:10:42,834 Those little chicken livers with the bacon wrapped around them 1354 01:10:42,834 --> 01:10:45,458 and the toothpick, and the dip for the broccoli-- 1355 01:10:45,458 --> 01:10:46,959 Could you focus, please? 1356 01:10:46,959 --> 01:10:50,208 I'm sorry. Look, if we left... 1357 01:10:50,208 --> 01:10:53,291 If we left now, we could get there by early morning, huh? 1358 01:10:53,291 --> 01:10:55,667 Ben, we're gonna need to borrow your car. Is that okay? 1359 01:10:55,667 --> 01:10:56,875 Do I have a choice? No. 1360 01:10:56,875 --> 01:10:58,667 Then it's okay. Thank you. 1361 01:11:17,000 --> 01:11:19,500 (GIGGLES) 1362 01:11:19,500 --> 01:11:20,959 Oooh! 1363 01:11:20,959 --> 01:11:22,166 Carl! 1364 01:11:23,500 --> 01:11:25,667 Oh, ahh! 1365 01:11:25,667 --> 01:11:28,333 WITNAUR: Ow, ow, ow, honey, honey, you're hurting me. 1366 01:11:28,333 --> 01:11:29,542 DOUGLAS: Better her than me, Carl. 1367 01:11:29,542 --> 01:11:31,834 This is President Douglas, I'm with President Kramer, 1368 01:11:31,834 --> 01:11:33,708 and that's a gun pressed against your head. 1369 01:11:33,708 --> 01:11:35,333 Well, I'm assuming that's your head. 1370 01:11:36,625 --> 01:11:39,375 (MUMBLING) 1371 01:11:39,375 --> 01:11:43,542 This is unbelievable. How dare you? 1372 01:11:43,542 --> 01:11:45,875 KRAMER: Look, Witnaur, we're gonna ask this just once. 1373 01:11:45,875 --> 01:11:48,417 What is Olympia, and who is behind it? 1374 01:11:48,417 --> 01:11:49,667 I don't know what you're talking about. 1375 01:11:50,417 --> 01:11:51,417 Okay. 1376 01:11:59,542 --> 01:12:00,542 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 1377 01:12:06,583 --> 01:12:09,542 Matt! I'm damn glad to see you. 1378 01:12:09,542 --> 01:12:11,375 Yeah, well, it's good to see you, too, Joe. 1379 01:12:11,375 --> 01:12:14,166 Joe, we could use a little help out here. 1380 01:12:14,166 --> 01:12:16,375 Wait a minute... 1381 01:12:16,375 --> 01:12:18,083 Is that President Kramer holding a gun 1382 01:12:18,083 --> 01:12:20,583 on a naked guy in a blindfold? 1383 01:12:20,583 --> 01:12:21,708 Yeah. 1384 01:12:23,625 --> 01:12:24,917 Well, come on in. 1385 01:12:29,083 --> 01:12:31,041 Carl, my CIA buddies 1386 01:12:31,041 --> 01:12:32,959 were clueless about what you were up to, 1387 01:12:32,959 --> 01:12:35,291 but they gave me something just for this occasion. 1388 01:12:35,291 --> 01:12:37,959 So, my boy, I hope this goes well. 1389 01:12:37,959 --> 01:12:39,417 It's all brand-new to me. 1390 01:12:39,417 --> 01:12:42,625 I'm not even sure about the dosage, 1391 01:12:42,625 --> 01:12:45,750 but what do you say we wing it, huh? 1392 01:12:45,750 --> 01:12:49,000 Go to hell. You don't scare me. I'm not trying to scare you. 1393 01:12:49,000 --> 01:12:50,250 I don't think we want to see this. 1394 01:12:50,250 --> 01:12:52,083 KRAMER: Enjoy the ride, Witnaur. 1395 01:12:58,792 --> 01:13:01,125 (WHISTLING) 1396 01:13:04,333 --> 01:13:05,792 (GASPS) 1397 01:13:05,792 --> 01:13:08,625 Dang vein. Keeps wanting to jump around. 1398 01:13:08,625 --> 01:13:10,959 Oh, there he is. You little beggar. 1399 01:13:10,959 --> 01:13:12,625 There it is. 1400 01:13:12,625 --> 01:13:14,583 Okay! I'll talk! Okay! Okay! 1401 01:13:14,583 --> 01:13:17,125 I'll talk. I like to talk. 1402 01:13:19,000 --> 01:13:21,291 It's amazing. 1403 01:13:21,291 --> 01:13:23,959 Look, Haney had to find a way to spin dry the kickback money, 1404 01:13:23,959 --> 01:13:25,792 that's where Olympia came in. 1405 01:13:25,792 --> 01:13:27,667 It was a front company, that's all. 1406 01:13:27,667 --> 01:13:30,250 And again, I never ordered anyone to kill you. 1407 01:13:30,250 --> 01:13:31,667 Yeah, but you did order the cover-up. 1408 01:13:31,667 --> 01:13:33,291 Yes. 1409 01:13:33,291 --> 01:13:36,875 The appointment log at the national archives, 1410 01:13:36,875 --> 01:13:39,417 the book in your library, 1411 01:13:39,417 --> 01:13:41,625 all that was done at my request. 1412 01:13:41,625 --> 01:13:43,291 DOUGLAS: What about Charlie Reynolds? 1413 01:13:43,291 --> 01:13:44,875 Were you in charge of taking care of him? 1414 01:13:44,875 --> 01:13:46,875 No. I never ordered anyone to kill Reynolds. 1415 01:13:50,291 --> 01:13:52,667 Who said Charlie was dead? 1416 01:13:52,667 --> 01:13:55,000 Okay, look, Tanner-- 1417 01:13:55,000 --> 01:13:57,875 I'm telling you, it was Tanner. This guy is out of control. 1418 01:13:57,875 --> 01:13:59,708 Oh, that's a lot of bull! 1419 01:13:59,708 --> 01:14:02,291 You're saying that you got a rogue agent turned hit man 1420 01:14:02,291 --> 01:14:04,458 in your ranks? Well, I don't believe it! 1421 01:14:04,458 --> 01:14:07,083 You ordered Tanner to put us on that chopper, 1422 01:14:07,083 --> 01:14:08,542 and you pushed the button! 1423 01:14:08,542 --> 01:14:10,083 Chopper? 1424 01:14:10,083 --> 01:14:11,792 What chopper? 1425 01:14:16,667 --> 01:14:19,000 HOLLIS: Looks like Tanner's been getting his marching orders 1426 01:14:19,000 --> 01:14:21,417 directly from Haney. DOUGLAS: What do we do now, Joe? 1427 01:14:21,417 --> 01:14:23,000 Well, you got a couple of options. 1428 01:14:23,000 --> 01:14:24,291 You can go to the White House, 1429 01:14:24,291 --> 01:14:26,417 and tell Haney you know about Olympia. 1430 01:14:26,417 --> 01:14:28,542 Of course, to get to him, you gotta go through Tanner. 1431 01:14:28,542 --> 01:14:29,875 Now, Tanner's probably gonna kill you. 1432 01:14:29,875 --> 01:14:32,166 Oh, that's a hell of an option. What's the other one? 1433 01:14:32,166 --> 01:14:33,583 You got a confession on tape. 1434 01:14:33,583 --> 01:14:35,417 Stop running. Go to the press. 1435 01:14:35,417 --> 01:14:36,708 I'll call Kaye, 1436 01:14:36,708 --> 01:14:39,917 and by noon Washington will be up to its knees in Olympia. 1437 01:14:42,041 --> 01:14:43,083 Call her? 1438 01:14:44,708 --> 01:14:46,291 Yeah. 1439 01:14:46,291 --> 01:14:48,708 You're doing the smart thing, gentlemen. 1440 01:14:48,708 --> 01:14:50,250 (SIGHS) 1441 01:14:50,250 --> 01:14:51,708 Damn. 1442 01:14:51,708 --> 01:14:54,041 Damn! What? 1443 01:14:54,041 --> 01:14:57,500 Oh, if we go public, there will only be another cover-up. 1444 01:14:57,500 --> 01:14:59,959 Bureaucrats like Witnaur might pay a price, 1445 01:14:59,959 --> 01:15:01,667 but the big fish is gonna get away. 1446 01:15:01,667 --> 01:15:04,083 Are we really willing to let that happen? 1447 01:15:04,083 --> 01:15:05,750 We've done enough already. 1448 01:15:05,750 --> 01:15:07,417 Oh, no. No. 1449 01:15:07,417 --> 01:15:09,542 No, I've made a career out of doing enough. 1450 01:15:09,542 --> 01:15:11,959 I always did just enough not to piss anybody off, 1451 01:15:11,959 --> 01:15:13,875 'cause a pissed-off somebody won't vote for you. 1452 01:15:13,875 --> 01:15:15,875 That's all part of the game. Right. 1453 01:15:15,875 --> 01:15:17,875 Well, tell that to Wayne and Genny and their kids 1454 01:15:17,875 --> 01:15:19,875 living in their car. 1455 01:15:19,875 --> 01:15:22,625 "I'm sorry things are tough, but I've been playing the game." 1456 01:15:22,625 --> 01:15:24,583 Well, I can't play it anymore, Russell. 1457 01:15:24,583 --> 01:15:26,750 I'm going to see Haney. Hold on, Rambo. 1458 01:15:26,750 --> 01:15:29,125 Remember what Joe said? You can't get past Tanner. 1459 01:15:29,125 --> 01:15:30,417 I don't care. I'm going. 1460 01:15:30,417 --> 01:15:32,208 Well, you're a damn fool. 1461 01:15:35,375 --> 01:15:37,000 Yeah. 1462 01:15:37,000 --> 01:15:38,250 You're probably right. 1463 01:15:39,333 --> 01:15:40,708 But you know something? 1464 01:15:40,708 --> 01:15:42,875 Somewhere out there there's another fool, 1465 01:15:42,875 --> 01:15:47,458 some idealistic sucker who still believes in us. 1466 01:15:49,500 --> 01:15:53,083 After all the scandals, and the party politics, 1467 01:15:53,083 --> 01:15:55,041 and all the bull, 1468 01:15:55,041 --> 01:15:57,417 there's somebody out there who still believes that we care, 1469 01:15:57,417 --> 01:15:59,583 that we would do what we promised to do, 1470 01:15:59,583 --> 01:16:01,333 and that's what I'm doing now, Russell. 1471 01:16:01,333 --> 01:16:03,083 I'm doing what I promised. 1472 01:16:03,083 --> 01:16:05,458 Preserve, protect, and defend. 1473 01:16:05,458 --> 01:16:08,583 Because if we lose that idealistic, 1474 01:16:08,583 --> 01:16:12,834 gloriously diluted fool out there, hey, it's all over. 1475 01:16:15,458 --> 01:16:18,625 Thank God you never spoke like this during our debates. 1476 01:16:18,625 --> 01:16:20,625 My margin of loss would have been staggering. 1477 01:16:24,166 --> 01:16:26,125 All right. 1478 01:16:26,125 --> 01:16:28,667 Let's do it. Are you sure? 1479 01:16:28,667 --> 01:16:31,291 If I can ride 300 miles at top speed 1480 01:16:31,291 --> 01:16:34,375 with my hands on a lesbian's midsection, I can handle Tanner. 1481 01:16:34,375 --> 01:16:36,041 Now, hold on, hold on a minute. 1482 01:16:36,041 --> 01:16:39,041 If we do get to Haney, how can we be sure he'll cooperate? 1483 01:16:39,041 --> 01:16:41,125 I'm bringing Mr. Witnaur with us. 1484 01:16:41,125 --> 01:16:43,250 Learn from the master. 1485 01:16:43,250 --> 01:16:46,125 Gentlemen, Kaye's on her way over now. 1486 01:16:46,125 --> 01:16:47,875 Change of plans, Joe. 1487 01:16:47,875 --> 01:16:50,208 Mr. Kramer and Mr. Douglas are going to Washington. 1488 01:17:00,333 --> 01:17:02,583 MAN: Kramer and Douglas broke into Witnaur's house last night 1489 01:17:02,583 --> 01:17:04,375 and kidnapped him. 1490 01:17:04,375 --> 01:17:06,000 And we're just now hearing about it? 1491 01:17:06,000 --> 01:17:08,417 His lady called the White House operator in a panic. 1492 01:17:08,417 --> 01:17:10,375 They thought it was a prank. Enough. 1493 01:17:10,375 --> 01:17:11,834 We better button-up the White House. 1494 01:17:11,834 --> 01:17:14,708 If they get to the president, the game's over. 1495 01:17:27,083 --> 01:17:29,417 Morning, Rita. How you doing, Don? 1496 01:17:29,417 --> 01:17:32,542 I'd be doing a lot better if I was getting some of your blueberry muffins. 1497 01:17:32,542 --> 01:17:35,250 Soon as I tend to the president I'll see what I can do. 1498 01:17:36,333 --> 01:17:37,708 What do you got back here? 1499 01:17:37,708 --> 01:17:39,875 Picked up a whole lot of fresh produce 1500 01:17:39,875 --> 01:17:41,875 at the farmer's market this morning. 1501 01:17:41,875 --> 01:17:43,000 Have a peak if you'd like. 1502 01:17:44,708 --> 01:17:45,875 That's okay, Rita. 1503 01:17:45,875 --> 01:17:47,000 You have a good one. 1504 01:17:47,000 --> 01:17:48,041 Thanks, Don. 1505 01:17:55,083 --> 01:17:57,583 Rita-- "Have a peak if you'd like"? 1506 01:17:57,583 --> 01:17:59,166 You're lucky I didn't have a stroke. 1507 01:17:59,166 --> 01:18:00,667 Wasn't that a little risky, Rita? 1508 01:18:00,667 --> 01:18:02,834 Mr. Presidents, please, hush up. 1509 01:18:02,834 --> 01:18:04,250 As long as you're in my car, you're produce. 1510 01:18:08,583 --> 01:18:09,542 Mr. President. 1511 01:18:10,417 --> 01:18:11,417 We're ready, sir. 1512 01:18:13,542 --> 01:18:15,041 The ceremony on the south lawn 1513 01:18:15,041 --> 01:18:16,917 honoring the Dutch resistance during World War II. 1514 01:18:17,750 --> 01:18:19,041 Highlight of my day. 1515 01:18:19,041 --> 01:18:21,500 Who cares about the damn Dutch, anyway? 1516 01:18:21,500 --> 01:18:23,750 Is Vice President Matthews going to this thing? 1517 01:18:23,750 --> 01:18:25,083 Yes, sir. 1518 01:18:25,083 --> 01:18:27,250 Well, let's avoid a possible embarrassment, shall we? 1519 01:18:27,250 --> 01:18:29,750 Remind him that these people are from the Netherlands, 1520 01:18:29,750 --> 01:18:30,875 and not the nether regions. 1521 01:18:32,083 --> 01:18:34,083 Oh, and, uh... 1522 01:18:34,083 --> 01:18:35,792 Have we heard from Witnaur yet? 1523 01:18:35,792 --> 01:18:37,792 No, Mr. President. All right. Thank you. 1524 01:18:40,250 --> 01:18:41,750 (DOOR CLOSES) 1525 01:18:41,750 --> 01:18:44,500 WOMAN: Gather 'round, everyone. The tour's about to begin. 1526 01:18:44,500 --> 01:18:47,083 That's it. Come on in. come on in here in the back. Welcome. 1527 01:18:47,083 --> 01:18:49,083 Oh, great. We can't go that way. 1528 01:18:49,083 --> 01:18:52,125 A million people come through the White House every year. 1529 01:18:52,125 --> 01:18:54,417 Better smile. They're gonna know we're here in 10 seconds. 1530 01:18:55,583 --> 01:18:56,792 Come on. Huh? 1531 01:18:58,625 --> 01:19:00,792 Hi, everyone, you ready for the tour? 1532 01:19:00,792 --> 01:19:03,625 What the hell are you doing? This is the only way we're gonna get to Haney. 1533 01:19:03,625 --> 01:19:06,125 Mr. President, and Mr. President. 1534 01:19:06,125 --> 01:19:08,250 You know, folks, the tour guides are the hardest-working people 1535 01:19:08,250 --> 01:19:11,291 in the White House, and, as our way of saying thank you, 1536 01:19:11,291 --> 01:19:14,083 President Kramer and I are gonna lead your tour ourselves. 1537 01:19:14,083 --> 01:19:15,125 We're what? 1538 01:19:16,041 --> 01:19:17,875 The Oval Office. 1539 01:19:17,875 --> 01:19:20,500 Oh, hey, yeah! Who knows this place better than we do, huh? 1540 01:19:20,500 --> 01:19:22,041 (LAUGHTER) 1541 01:19:22,041 --> 01:19:24,375 Okay, let's go, everybody. Gather 'round. 1542 01:19:24,375 --> 01:19:26,667 Follow your presidents. 1543 01:19:26,667 --> 01:19:28,000 Come along. 1544 01:19:28,000 --> 01:19:29,500 This is gonna be fun for you. 1545 01:19:34,000 --> 01:19:37,000 Sir, they're in. 1546 01:19:37,000 --> 01:19:38,583 How? They used the tour. 1547 01:19:38,583 --> 01:19:40,125 Okay, this is the green room. 1548 01:19:40,125 --> 01:19:41,500 It's a room. It's green. 1549 01:19:41,500 --> 01:19:43,041 Hence the name. Any questions? 1550 01:19:43,041 --> 01:19:44,208 Not from me. Okay, then shall we? 1551 01:19:45,333 --> 01:19:46,250 WOMAN: That's it? 1552 01:19:46,250 --> 01:19:48,291 Go, go, go. 1553 01:19:48,291 --> 01:19:50,417 We grab them as soon as we can and carry them out tonight. 1554 01:19:50,417 --> 01:19:52,583 A lot of people have seen them here. 1555 01:19:52,583 --> 01:19:55,750 The cover still works. They met here and they took the chopper to the ceremonies 1556 01:19:55,750 --> 01:19:57,208 where the president was gonna meet them later. 1557 01:20:00,708 --> 01:20:02,458 The crash site is still secure. 1558 01:20:02,458 --> 01:20:03,667 All we have to do is adjust the time of the accident. 1559 01:20:04,542 --> 01:20:06,041 It could work. 1560 01:20:06,041 --> 01:20:07,583 Call Haney. As soon as you get them, call me. 1561 01:20:11,208 --> 01:20:13,542 We occasionally use this as a shortcut to the Oval Office. 1562 01:20:13,542 --> 01:20:15,041 Let's pick up the pace, eh? 1563 01:20:15,041 --> 01:20:16,583 The older folks are dragging us down. 1564 01:20:22,834 --> 01:20:25,208 MAN: We're covering all of the exits, 1565 01:20:25,208 --> 01:20:26,667 there's no way they can get out of the building. 1566 01:20:28,083 --> 01:20:29,166 There they are! 1567 01:20:29,166 --> 01:20:30,500 Guest quarters. Mr. President! 1568 01:20:40,792 --> 01:20:43,125 Mr. Presidents, please unlock the door. 1569 01:20:43,125 --> 01:20:45,583 Come on. That desk belonged to Thomas Jefferson. 1570 01:20:45,583 --> 01:20:48,542 The declaration of independence could have been written on that thing. 1571 01:20:48,542 --> 01:20:52,000 Well, Tom isn't here to help me pick it up, so move your ass! 1572 01:20:52,000 --> 01:20:54,583 MAN: Mr. Presidents, please! 1573 01:20:54,583 --> 01:20:56,000 When we think of the Netherlands, 1574 01:20:56,000 --> 01:20:58,750 no doubt most of us have images of a tranquil land... 1575 01:20:58,750 --> 01:21:00,959 (TELEPHONE RINGS) Yes? 1576 01:21:00,959 --> 01:21:02,542 Good. 1577 01:21:02,542 --> 01:21:05,917 Secure the room, but do not move in till I get there. 1578 01:21:05,917 --> 01:21:07,625 And, Wilkerson, call the press. 1579 01:21:13,125 --> 01:21:15,708 I found Haney. He's on the south lawn. 1580 01:21:15,708 --> 01:21:17,166 I don't like this at all. 1581 01:21:17,166 --> 01:21:20,125 They've had us pinned in here for 15 minutes. 1582 01:21:20,125 --> 01:21:21,625 What the hell are they doing? 1583 01:21:21,625 --> 01:21:23,208 Preparing for our funeral. What? 1584 01:21:23,208 --> 01:21:26,291 WOMAN: The report came in just minutes ago from the White House. 1585 01:21:26,291 --> 01:21:28,250 The helicopter went down somewhere over 1586 01:21:28,250 --> 01:21:30,625 the blue ridge mountains of North Carolina. 1587 01:21:30,625 --> 01:21:33,792 President Kramer and President Douglas were reportedly on board. 1588 01:21:33,792 --> 01:21:35,333 Search teams are speeding to the area. 1589 01:21:44,083 --> 01:21:45,125 Phone's dead. 1590 01:21:46,417 --> 01:21:48,291 What are you doing? 1591 01:21:48,291 --> 01:21:51,000 During my years here, one of the butlers told me about 1592 01:21:51,000 --> 01:21:53,583 a secret door that was supposed to be in this room. 1593 01:21:53,583 --> 01:21:55,458 The Kennedy door he called it. 1594 01:21:55,458 --> 01:21:57,583 I think it was just one of those stories. 1595 01:21:57,583 --> 01:21:59,083 Russell, it's over here. 1596 01:22:01,166 --> 01:22:02,667 I almost forgot. Uh-huh. 1597 01:22:07,875 --> 01:22:09,875 What are you looking at? 1598 01:22:09,875 --> 01:22:11,792 Have you been down to that farmer's market lately? 1599 01:22:11,792 --> 01:22:13,792 It's brutal. 1600 01:22:13,792 --> 01:22:17,834 I used this thing for a couple of midnight rendezvous. 1601 01:22:17,834 --> 01:22:20,000 Oh, I'll never forget this one girl. 1602 01:22:20,000 --> 01:22:22,000 She was a stewardess with Pan Am-- 1603 01:22:22,000 --> 01:22:24,375 I don't need to hear this. She was also a contortionist. 1604 01:22:24,375 --> 01:22:26,083 Go on. 1605 01:22:26,083 --> 01:22:27,333 Later. 1606 01:22:27,333 --> 01:22:28,667 Right now we gotta get to that ceremony. 1607 01:22:32,083 --> 01:22:34,417 If we can get ourselves seen on TV, 1608 01:22:34,417 --> 01:22:37,959 then everyone's gonna know we're not dead in North Carolina, 1609 01:22:37,959 --> 01:22:39,291 and Tanner is out of business. 1610 01:22:41,667 --> 01:22:42,667 Break it down. 1611 01:22:48,208 --> 01:22:49,208 DOUGLAS: Come on! 1612 01:22:54,708 --> 01:22:56,208 Where the hell are they? 1613 01:22:58,458 --> 01:22:59,875 Come on. Hurry up. 1614 01:22:59,875 --> 01:23:01,583 Be glad I'm not Gerry Ford. 1615 01:23:01,583 --> 01:23:03,333 We'd be lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. 1616 01:23:07,417 --> 01:23:09,208 It's been a while, 1617 01:23:09,208 --> 01:23:10,708 but I think the way out is straight down and to the left. 1618 01:23:11,458 --> 01:23:13,542 This whole thing is crazy. 1619 01:23:13,542 --> 01:23:15,375 You know what I can't figure? 1620 01:23:15,375 --> 01:23:18,583 How does a twisted psycho like Tanner end up in the N.S.A? 1621 01:23:18,583 --> 01:23:21,750 I know. Why isn't he in the postal service where he belongs? 1622 01:23:23,750 --> 01:23:26,417 Oh, great. "Down and to the left." 1623 01:23:26,417 --> 01:23:28,625 Oh, cork it! It's not the end of the world, you know? 1624 01:23:30,250 --> 01:23:31,917 Hello, sirs. 1625 01:23:31,917 --> 01:23:34,375 No need for concern, it's only me. 1626 01:23:34,375 --> 01:23:36,083 The twisted psycho. 1627 01:23:36,083 --> 01:23:38,583 We're not gonna have a long chat. 1628 01:23:38,583 --> 01:23:40,250 In fact, I don't think I could stand 1629 01:23:40,250 --> 01:23:42,500 to listen to either one of you another second. 1630 01:23:42,500 --> 01:23:43,542 I'm just gonna kill you. 1631 01:23:43,542 --> 01:23:45,875 So, who goes first? 1632 01:23:45,875 --> 01:23:48,583 The old man or the ladies' man? 1633 01:23:54,792 --> 01:23:56,125 Nice work, Russell. 1634 01:23:56,125 --> 01:23:57,917 Thank you. 1635 01:23:57,917 --> 01:24:00,750 I've got to change my shorts now. 1636 01:24:08,792 --> 01:24:10,625 Pennsylvania Avenue is almost clear, sir. 1637 01:24:14,750 --> 01:24:16,458 Ah, here we are. 1638 01:24:16,458 --> 01:24:17,959 Oh, hey. Watch it, watch it. 1639 01:24:19,166 --> 01:24:20,625 We're on the north lawn. 1640 01:24:20,625 --> 01:24:22,792 We're totally on the other side of where we want to be. 1641 01:24:22,792 --> 01:24:23,959 Oh, good going, Douglas. 1642 01:24:23,959 --> 01:24:25,750 I didn't build the damn tunnel. 1643 01:24:25,750 --> 01:24:27,291 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1644 01:24:29,208 --> 01:24:31,750 Now what? Who am I, fucking MacGyver? 1645 01:24:31,750 --> 01:24:33,583 I'm making this up as I go along. 1646 01:24:33,583 --> 01:24:35,291 Over there! 1647 01:24:37,291 --> 01:24:38,291 What the-- 1648 01:24:40,083 --> 01:24:41,291 Hang on, Kramer. 1649 01:24:44,000 --> 01:24:46,083 Hold it! Stop right there! 1650 01:24:46,083 --> 01:24:48,458 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop! Get off the horse! 1651 01:24:48,458 --> 01:24:50,083 Get off the horse! 1652 01:24:50,083 --> 01:24:52,834 We can't get any cars through the block. 1653 01:24:52,834 --> 01:24:54,625 You run after them, I'll cut them off. 1654 01:24:57,208 --> 01:24:58,625 Ohh! 1655 01:25:01,708 --> 01:25:03,375 When this is over, 1656 01:25:03,375 --> 01:25:05,458 promise me we'll come back and look for my balls. 1657 01:25:09,500 --> 01:25:11,333 Stop! 1658 01:25:11,333 --> 01:25:13,834 (SCREAMING) 1659 01:25:13,834 --> 01:25:16,291 Marksmen, intruders, north lawn. This is Tanner. 1660 01:25:16,291 --> 01:25:18,625 Driving to south gate to intercept. Shoot to kill. 1661 01:25:18,625 --> 01:25:19,667 MAN: This is Lieutenant Fleming, 1662 01:25:19,667 --> 01:25:21,375 we're moving into position now, sir. 1663 01:25:21,375 --> 01:25:22,875 Go, go, go. 1664 01:25:26,333 --> 01:25:27,834 (TIRES SCREECH) 1665 01:25:32,667 --> 01:25:35,000 Wait. Hold your fire. 1666 01:25:35,000 --> 01:25:36,792 That looks like Presidents Kramer and Douglas. 1667 01:25:36,792 --> 01:25:38,792 That's impossible. The presidents are dead. 1668 01:25:38,792 --> 01:25:39,875 Shoot them, damn it! 1669 01:25:42,875 --> 01:25:44,041 Repositioning to south side. 1670 01:25:46,166 --> 01:25:48,583 ...these people came together bound by love of country 1671 01:25:48,583 --> 01:25:49,750 and risked their lives... 1672 01:25:51,375 --> 01:25:52,375 Open the gate! 1673 01:25:57,041 --> 01:25:58,208 Nice horsy. 1674 01:25:58,208 --> 01:25:59,375 Oh, God! 1675 01:26:00,875 --> 01:26:02,083 On your command, sir. 1676 01:26:07,000 --> 01:26:10,333 I gave you a direct order! Shoot! 1677 01:26:10,333 --> 01:26:12,792 Lieutenant Fleming, request permission to shoot. 1678 01:26:17,166 --> 01:26:18,417 Douglas! 1679 01:26:18,417 --> 01:26:20,250 Down! 1680 01:26:20,250 --> 01:26:21,834 ...this was a struggle for democracy... 1681 01:26:21,834 --> 01:26:23,583 TANNER: Lieutenant! Lieutenant! 1682 01:26:23,583 --> 01:26:24,917 ...it was a struggle for truth... 1683 01:26:24,917 --> 01:26:26,208 MAN: We must fire, sir. 1684 01:26:31,083 --> 01:26:33,291 ...it was a struggle between life and death. 1685 01:26:33,291 --> 01:26:34,750 (GUNSHOT) 1686 01:26:43,250 --> 01:26:44,750 Those are the presidents. 1687 01:26:52,083 --> 01:26:53,125 ...and in conclusion, 1688 01:26:53,125 --> 01:26:56,750 I'd like to say that it is our great 1689 01:26:56,750 --> 01:27:00,458 pleasure to welcome these Dutch resistance fighters here. 1690 01:27:00,458 --> 01:27:03,959 KRAMER: Douglas! 1691 01:27:03,959 --> 01:27:07,834 Would somebody go collect Blinky? 1692 01:27:07,834 --> 01:27:09,667 That's fine. That's fine. Let him come ahead. 1693 01:27:09,667 --> 01:27:11,375 Well, what a surprise. 1694 01:27:11,375 --> 01:27:13,959 Ladies and gentlemen, President Matthew Douglas. 1695 01:27:17,708 --> 01:27:19,458 Thank you. Thank you. 1696 01:27:19,458 --> 01:27:21,583 We have to talk... Now. 1697 01:27:26,250 --> 01:27:29,208 WITNAUR: Look, Haney had to find a way to spin dry the kickback money. 1698 01:27:29,208 --> 01:27:30,959 That's where Olympia came in. 1699 01:27:30,959 --> 01:27:34,125 Oh, Russell, please, there's got to be a way around this. 1700 01:27:34,125 --> 01:27:36,208 I'll give you anything you want. I have money. 1701 01:27:36,208 --> 01:27:38,000 I beg your pardon? 1702 01:27:38,000 --> 01:27:40,959 Are you honestly saying that Russell P. Kramer can be bought? 1703 01:27:40,959 --> 01:27:43,125 Shut up, Douglas. Why should I resign? 1704 01:27:43,125 --> 01:27:45,625 I don't know anything about Reynolds' death or the chopper crash. 1705 01:27:45,625 --> 01:27:48,208 Okay, yes, all right, I admit, I used the office, 1706 01:27:48,208 --> 01:27:51,125 but how is that any different from what you are doing, Russ? 1707 01:27:51,125 --> 01:27:53,000 You know you've made money from this office. 1708 01:27:53,000 --> 01:27:56,792 Two things, bill, one, I never did anything illegal. 1709 01:27:56,792 --> 01:27:58,166 Big difference. 1710 01:27:58,166 --> 01:28:00,417 Two, I never did it for the money. 1711 01:28:00,417 --> 01:28:01,792 Oh, come on! Sure you did. 1712 01:28:01,792 --> 01:28:03,500 No, no, you just don't get it. 1713 01:28:03,500 --> 01:28:05,708 My books, my personal appearances, 1714 01:28:05,708 --> 01:28:07,583 those are things I do 1715 01:28:07,583 --> 01:28:09,667 so the people will know I'm still here, so they don't forget me... 1716 01:28:12,750 --> 01:28:15,500 And so I can get just a little taste of... 1717 01:28:16,750 --> 01:28:19,417 What it's like to be... 1718 01:28:22,208 --> 01:28:23,667 What I was. 1719 01:28:24,542 --> 01:28:26,208 (CHUCKLES) 1720 01:28:28,500 --> 01:28:30,542 This office has done a hell of a lot for me, 1721 01:28:30,542 --> 01:28:33,041 now I'm gonna do something for it. Get you out! 1722 01:28:33,708 --> 01:28:35,583 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 1723 01:28:35,583 --> 01:28:37,542 Excuse me, sirs. I'm Agent Kopeck. 1724 01:28:37,542 --> 01:28:39,500 Agent in charge of secret service, White House detail. 1725 01:28:39,500 --> 01:28:42,000 I thought you'd like to meet secret-service officer Ralph Fleming. 1726 01:28:42,000 --> 01:28:43,500 He's the man who stopped Colonel Tanner. 1727 01:28:43,500 --> 01:28:46,333 Thank you, Ralph. You saved our lives. 1728 01:28:46,333 --> 01:28:47,875 It's an honor to meet you, son. 1729 01:28:47,875 --> 01:28:49,667 Actually, sir, we've met before. 1730 01:28:49,667 --> 01:28:51,792 We have? Where? 1731 01:28:51,792 --> 01:28:54,250 Somewhere over the rainbow. 1732 01:29:02,417 --> 01:29:03,917 Ah, ye-- 1733 01:29:03,917 --> 01:29:05,667 He was, uh... 1734 01:29:05,667 --> 01:29:07,041 (CHUCKLING) 1735 01:29:11,041 --> 01:29:14,708 And so, it is with a heavy heart, 1736 01:29:14,708 --> 01:29:20,542 and, ironically, a weak heart, that I resign 1737 01:29:20,542 --> 01:29:23,792 from the office of President of the United States. 1738 01:29:23,792 --> 01:29:26,208 Poor president, Haney. 1739 01:29:26,208 --> 01:29:28,959 Oh, don't you worry, Rita, he's gonna be just fine. 1740 01:29:28,959 --> 01:29:30,917 Damn, Rita, you haven't lost your touch. 1741 01:29:30,917 --> 01:29:33,583 Uh-huh. I miss you, too. 1742 01:29:33,583 --> 01:29:36,208 I was finally getting used to him. 1743 01:29:36,208 --> 01:29:39,000 Now I've gotta start all over again. 1744 01:29:39,000 --> 01:29:40,458 President Matthews. 1745 01:29:41,750 --> 01:29:43,458 (LAUGHS) 1746 01:29:43,458 --> 01:29:45,792 Who would've ever thought of that. 1747 01:29:46,834 --> 01:29:48,959 President Matthews? 1748 01:29:48,959 --> 01:29:52,250 There's only one way that moron was ever gonna become... 1749 01:29:53,750 --> 01:29:55,166 President. 1750 01:29:55,166 --> 01:29:57,166 Either Haney would have to be assassinated, 1751 01:29:57,166 --> 01:29:58,583 or he'd have to... 1752 01:30:01,458 --> 01:30:02,875 Resign. 1753 01:30:02,875 --> 01:30:06,792 ...I'm convinced that it's for the nation's better good, 1754 01:30:06,792 --> 01:30:07,959 that I step aside. 1755 01:30:09,792 --> 01:30:11,291 Two more minutes, Mr. President. 1756 01:30:11,291 --> 01:30:13,083 Thank you, Bill. I'll be ready. 1757 01:30:13,083 --> 01:30:15,917 Ted, we need to talk and right now. 1758 01:30:15,917 --> 01:30:17,417 Will you excuse us a minute, Pete? 1759 01:30:17,417 --> 01:30:19,792 Yes, sir. So, what's up? 1760 01:30:19,792 --> 01:30:21,125 We've figured it out. 1761 01:30:21,125 --> 01:30:22,291 You'll never get away with it. 1762 01:30:22,291 --> 01:30:23,750 I already did. 1763 01:30:23,750 --> 01:30:25,834 Chief Justice Renquist just swore me in. 1764 01:30:25,834 --> 01:30:27,917 I'm about to go on television in front of the nation 1765 01:30:27,917 --> 01:30:30,208 to reluctantly accept my charge. 1766 01:30:30,208 --> 01:30:32,000 You're the one, you sent Tanner to kill us. 1767 01:30:32,000 --> 01:30:35,000 We investigate Olympia, wind up dead, it all gets tied to Haney, 1768 01:30:35,000 --> 01:30:36,125 either way he goes down, and you're in. 1769 01:30:37,000 --> 01:30:38,875 You're right. 1770 01:30:38,875 --> 01:30:41,083 There've been a couple of unfortunate deaths, 1771 01:30:41,083 --> 01:30:43,834 but they can be blamed on the late Colonel Tanner. 1772 01:30:43,834 --> 01:30:46,708 I guess I won't have to appoint him to the Joint Chiefs after all. 1773 01:30:46,708 --> 01:30:47,750 How do you explain us being here? 1774 01:30:47,750 --> 01:30:49,750 Aren't we both dead in a helicopter crash? 1775 01:30:49,750 --> 01:30:51,917 Oh, your chopper definitely went down, 1776 01:30:51,917 --> 01:30:54,834 but we are so thankful it turned out you weren't aboard. 1777 01:30:54,834 --> 01:30:57,041 Press secretary's already issued a statement 1778 01:30:57,041 --> 01:30:58,375 apologizing for any confusion. 1779 01:30:59,667 --> 01:31:00,792 Thirty seconds, sir. 1780 01:31:00,792 --> 01:31:02,333 Thank you, Bill. 1781 01:31:02,333 --> 01:31:04,375 Well, gentlemen, if you ask me, 1782 01:31:04,375 --> 01:31:05,875 this whole thing's been a real coup. 1783 01:31:08,041 --> 01:31:09,500 Funny thing, isn't it? 1784 01:31:09,500 --> 01:31:12,125 Everyone thinks I'm this idiot, 1785 01:31:12,125 --> 01:31:14,333 but nobody knows it was all just a big "fa-cade." 1786 01:31:18,041 --> 01:31:19,417 Who's the idiot now? 1787 01:31:28,250 --> 01:31:29,750 Hello, Mr. President. Good to see you. 1788 01:31:29,750 --> 01:31:30,542 Welcome home, sir. 1789 01:31:33,375 --> 01:31:35,583 Well, I guess that's all she wrote. 1790 01:31:37,917 --> 01:31:42,125 Russell, you want to know what gives me the red ass? 1791 01:31:42,125 --> 01:31:43,667 What? 1792 01:31:43,667 --> 01:31:45,083 He damn near got away with it. 1793 01:31:45,083 --> 01:31:47,750 What do you mean "damn near"? 1794 01:31:47,750 --> 01:31:49,917 You got the whole conversation on tape? 1795 01:31:49,917 --> 01:31:52,417 I learned from the master. 1796 01:31:52,417 --> 01:31:55,583 The only problem is if I drop this off at CNN on my way home, 1797 01:31:55,583 --> 01:31:57,542 and Matthews gets thrown out of office, 1798 01:31:57,542 --> 01:31:59,750 according to the 25th amendment, 1799 01:31:59,750 --> 01:32:01,583 the speaker of the house will become president. 1800 01:32:01,583 --> 01:32:03,208 Oh, God, anybody but him. 1801 01:32:03,208 --> 01:32:06,250 Tell me about it. But, I guess we have no other choice. 1802 01:32:06,250 --> 01:32:08,500 We did everything we could. Yeah. 1803 01:32:08,500 --> 01:32:10,542 I'm gonna go home, kiss my wife, 1804 01:32:10,542 --> 01:32:12,583 take a shower, and go to bed for a month. 1805 01:32:12,583 --> 01:32:14,625 Sounds good. 1806 01:32:14,625 --> 01:32:17,542 You know something? I gotta tell you, 1807 01:32:17,542 --> 01:32:20,917 after going through this whole thing, 1808 01:32:20,917 --> 01:32:25,083 I've realized I really don't like you. 1809 01:32:25,083 --> 01:32:26,500 No kidding. 1810 01:32:26,500 --> 01:32:29,458 But that isn't exactly what I wanted to say. 1811 01:32:29,458 --> 01:32:34,625 It, the thing is, I don't like you, but... 1812 01:32:36,792 --> 01:32:39,000 I think I'm gonna, 1813 01:32:39,000 --> 01:32:40,250 you know, miss you. 1814 01:32:42,083 --> 01:32:43,583 (CHUCKLES) 1815 01:32:43,583 --> 01:32:45,750 If we hadn't spent the last 30 years 1816 01:32:45,750 --> 01:32:49,291 hating each other's guts, we might have been friends. 1817 01:32:54,333 --> 01:32:56,625 I think I'll stop there, 1818 01:32:56,625 --> 01:32:59,083 because I feel the goat-cheese pizza backing up on me. 1819 01:33:04,417 --> 01:33:06,458 You take care of yourself. 1820 01:33:06,458 --> 01:33:09,208 And, uh... Don't jump off any trains. 1821 01:33:09,208 --> 01:33:10,667 I was pushed. 1822 01:33:10,667 --> 01:33:12,291 Same difference. 1823 01:33:19,375 --> 01:33:21,000 Hey, Russell. Yeah? 1824 01:33:23,166 --> 01:33:24,625 ♪ Hail to the chief 1825 01:33:24,625 --> 01:33:27,041 ♪ If you don't, I'll have to kill you 1826 01:33:27,041 --> 01:33:28,959 ♪ I am the chief 1827 01:33:28,959 --> 01:33:30,375 ♪ So you'd better watch your step, you bastards ♪ 1828 01:33:31,542 --> 01:33:32,959 We're even. 1829 01:33:46,750 --> 01:33:48,667 I was briefed about what happened, sir. 1830 01:33:48,667 --> 01:33:50,000 It's amazing what you went through. 1831 01:33:51,875 --> 01:33:54,417 Yes, I guess it was. 1832 01:33:54,417 --> 01:33:57,083 Well, now you can go home to Cleveland for a well-deserved rest. 1833 01:33:57,083 --> 01:33:58,417 Oh, yes. 1834 01:33:59,750 --> 01:34:01,375 When it comes time for a rest, 1835 01:34:03,166 --> 01:34:04,875 there's no place like Cleveland. 1836 01:34:08,291 --> 01:34:10,375 This must've been a very difficult experience for you, sir. 1837 01:34:10,375 --> 01:34:12,208 DOUGLAS: Yeah. It was pretty bad. 1838 01:34:12,208 --> 01:34:16,875 On some level, I enjoyed it. 1839 01:34:16,875 --> 01:34:22,750 It was just nice to do something and have a goal again. 1840 01:34:22,750 --> 01:34:24,959 I think it was a great service you did for your country, sir. 1841 01:34:24,959 --> 01:34:26,708 Most people in that situation, they would have given up. 1842 01:34:28,542 --> 01:34:31,208 You and President Kramer, you did everything you could. 1843 01:34:32,667 --> 01:34:34,375 I'm proud to be attached to you, sir. 1844 01:34:43,208 --> 01:34:45,458 No, Chet, you're wrong. 1845 01:34:46,917 --> 01:34:48,583 We didn't do everything we could. 1846 01:34:50,792 --> 01:34:53,458 NEWMAN: Nine months after he took the oath of office, 1847 01:34:53,458 --> 01:34:56,750 former president and convicted felon Ted Matthews 1848 01:34:56,750 --> 01:34:57,917 today began serving his sentence 1849 01:34:57,917 --> 01:35:00,750 at a federal prison in Stafford, Virginia. 1850 01:35:00,750 --> 01:35:04,417 But unlike other political scandals of the past, 1851 01:35:04,417 --> 01:35:07,417 this one has spawned an unusual coupling. 1852 01:35:07,417 --> 01:35:09,291 For that story, we take you 1853 01:35:09,291 --> 01:35:11,834 to correspondent Kaye Griffin in California. 1854 01:35:11,834 --> 01:35:14,250 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 1855 01:35:14,250 --> 01:35:16,458 GRIFFIN: Two of America's biggest political rivals 1856 01:35:16,458 --> 01:35:18,041 are making history. 1857 01:35:18,041 --> 01:35:20,125 Running on the same ticket as independents 1858 01:35:20,125 --> 01:35:23,166 are ex-presidents Kramer and Douglas. 1859 01:35:23,166 --> 01:35:26,417 You know, I come to this country with those fellows. 1860 01:35:26,417 --> 01:35:28,333 However, we have yet to hear 1861 01:35:28,333 --> 01:35:29,959 who will be running as president, 1862 01:35:29,959 --> 01:35:32,083 and who as vice president. 1863 01:35:32,083 --> 01:35:35,291 I'm not ashamed to say it, I slept with both those guys. 1864 01:35:38,792 --> 01:35:40,500 My love. 1865 01:35:40,500 --> 01:35:42,959 Any words of wisdom for the candidate? Of course. 1866 01:35:42,959 --> 01:35:44,583 Don't make a friggin' fool of yourself. 1867 01:35:44,583 --> 01:35:46,083 Margaret, please, 1868 01:35:46,083 --> 01:35:47,875 if you're gonna use the f-word, go for the gold. 1869 01:35:47,875 --> 01:35:50,125 DOUGLAS: Excuse us, Margaret. 1870 01:35:50,125 --> 01:35:52,375 Are you ready to face the voting public? 1871 01:35:52,375 --> 01:35:53,583 Let's do it. All right. 1872 01:35:53,583 --> 01:35:55,000 I'll make the announcement, then I'll introduce you. 1873 01:35:55,000 --> 01:35:58,542 To keep things straight, you're saying I'm gonna be president, 1874 01:35:58,542 --> 01:36:00,125 and you're gonna be vice president. 1875 01:36:00,125 --> 01:36:01,834 Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. 1876 01:36:01,834 --> 01:36:03,458 After everything we went through together, 1877 01:36:03,458 --> 01:36:05,625 you still don't trust me? I trust you. 1878 01:36:05,625 --> 01:36:07,834 Well, thank you. Just as you trust me. 1879 01:36:07,834 --> 01:36:09,166 I think I'll make the announcement. 1880 01:36:09,166 --> 01:36:10,667 I thought we agreed that I would do it. 1881 01:36:10,667 --> 01:36:12,291 Will you let go of me? 1882 01:36:12,291 --> 01:36:14,375 I'm not letting go. I'm not letting go, either. 1883 01:36:15,875 --> 01:36:17,375 Get out of my way, old man. 1884 01:36:17,375 --> 01:36:18,542 No way, sleazebag. 1885 01:36:18,542 --> 01:36:20,041 How are you? 1886 01:36:20,041 --> 01:36:22,000 Hey! Money. 1887 01:36:22,000 --> 01:36:24,667 Will you-- Did you drop that? 1888 01:36:24,667 --> 01:36:25,458 Yeah. That's mine. 1889 01:36:26,667 --> 01:36:28,208 My fellow Americans-- 1890 01:36:28,208 --> 01:36:29,166 You son of a--